Archive for March 7th, 2010

Anyone know a local counsellor who does home visits?

March 7, 2010

Woke up this morning feeling a bit more hopeful. The world is sunshiney, Coconut gasped with delight and reached and downed more yogurt than you can imagine, I got to sit up and hold Snort – fed him, then held him while he napped.

Unfortunately, as a result of sitting up, my back fucking snapped in half again. Gone was the idea of going to the library (I read four books yesterday during my confinement), of going to look for a new sofa. TMD is leaving now with the babies to do some stuff with them, and once again I am left behind in bed.

If I was choosing to have some sort of lazy weekend, I would probably really enjoy this time. But I feel some choice is being taken away from me.

I also feel like my body has betrayed me.

First, I couldn’t breastfeed. I am still upset about this, think about it every single day.

Next, this recent snap was due to some tandem babywearing. The idea of wearing even one baby at the minute is a bit of a laugh, considering I can’t walk without crutches or sit without pain.

What next? My ultimate fear: deciding not to have another baby, because I just can’t do this again.

I feel like I have been brave and strong, and I still am, but also it would be a lie to say I don’t feel a big fear: what if I am disabled for the rest of my life? What if I cave in and get another wheelchair because it’s just easier? What if I never get to go on long walks with my family next summer, a baby on each of our backs, sun in our hair, laughing?

What if this is it?

I want to say what if it isn’t, what if I heal, I know I am improving, this is just a temporary setback. But I’ve had this ‘little problem’ for a year now, more than a year.

The emotional pain is worse than the physical, and that’s saying quite a lot because I hurt like a motherfucker.