SPD bringing me down.

by

On Wednesday I cracked up a little. Okay, a lot.

You see, everytime someone is supposed to come over and can’t make it for whatever reason, I find myself losing my shit, utterly and completely. You know my friend Aussie? Well, she lives in the city just south of us, where we used to live for years and years. We’re just north of that city now, and she lives in the very tippy tails of the south end, so she’s about an hour and a half drive away from us. (sigh, sob, etc)

We made plans for her to start coming up every Wednesday – until, of course, I have healed enough to actually leave the house. This past Wednesday we woke up, snow was everywhere, and I was like, ‘Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.’ So she was snowed in, yet TMD still left for work. (Though I went a little bit Rage Machine on her, bless her.)

I was so crazy that TMD took Thursday off so we could get out of the house. I never ever leave the house, you see. Someone asked in a comment what SPD stood for – it’s Symphasis Pubis Dysfunction. Basically, because of pregnancy, my pelvis swings in the wind….or even a slight breeze. Your pelvis is like a ring of bones connected at the front and back by little ligaments. One joint is located under your pubic hair (sorry, no way to say it and be graceful), the other on your back. The left side of my pelvis is stable, but the right side offers no resistance and moves freely. Your pelvis is not designed to move, so that’s why it hurts like a little bitch. There is no cure, but time usually gives your ligaments time to heal and things get back to normal. Usually.

We ended up going to a local mall-ish place and out to lunch.  We had to use the pushchair because I can’t walk very far with a baby on me, and TMD doesn’t wear both of them. While I felt down about this, the upside of pushchairs is that you’ve always got a place to put all your shit, and you can have a lunch while babies snooze next to you – so no worries about dropping hot food on them.

I did bring slings, so I got to wear Snortie in a ringsling and take him to the changing room to sort out his nappy. I felt like a real live parent, out in public with my son and changing his diaper. This was so exciting.

This little outing was like my life had been opened up again. I had such fun doing, well, nothing. Coming home I suddenly felt very blue and said, ‘What if I don’t get better? I’ve always thought I would, so it makes things manageable. I can say, you know, next summer we’ll go hiking with them.’ TMD sighed.

If I don’t heal, my life will be very circumvented. I can’t think about being permanently disabled, because it makes me feel inexpressibly sad. Yes, I’ve been ‘broken’ for about a year now (what with getting run over, and then the SPD!). But I have always thought of this in terms of a temporary illness or disability – one that will take time to get better, sure, but that I will recover from.

Now I find myself doubting, and it’s scary as hell. I can’t imagine a life where I can’t walk more than five minutes at a time. Where I can’t go out with my kids, where I can’t work again (not that I want to right now, but, you know!), where we have to carefully consider and plan every outing so that the minimum of movement is required. Where I have to pick restaurants based on the type of chairs they have, for fuck’s sake.

What if this doesn’t get better?

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15 Responses to “SPD bringing me down.”

  1. Megs Says:

    Didnt you say surgery was a viable (but scary) option at one point?

    • existere Says:

      They CAN insert a steel plate over the front joint ( I have pain in both.) It’s not a very successful surgery and I wouldn’t do it.

      • Megs Says:

        Why wouldnt you do it? Is there a probability that you would be even worse off? I dont know, I think you should keep an open mind…

        • existere Says:

          It very very very rarely causes a significant improvement for people with SPD, and often causes problems. It’s irreversible. There are other non-invasive things I would try first.

          • Megs Says:

            Aye de mi. So many questions, probably better to take the convo off the journal! Did you get my message re: visit next weekend? Lots of hugs x x x

  2. Matt Says:

    Remember how Carl Rogers was all like “If you’re not feeling, you’re not a fully living person”?

    Well. He didn’t exactly say that, but I think the point is all the same.

    Yes, it’s scary as fuck. I can’t even begin to imagine how much you’re shitting yourself with fear. But lady, as much as I hate to say this, it’s part of life.

    Because if you weren’t feeling this horrible, dark pit of despair, you wouldn’t experience the awesome. The great. The joy of what it’s like to be alive.

    I know it probably sounds like a bit of BS, but I think it’s true. This might be a great ball of crud for you, but we both know you’ll come out of this on top.

    And heck, if you don’t? I can always send you lots of pain-relief meds to keep that pain at bay. Kapow!

    Take care lady. Have a snuggle bath with your wee ones.

  3. Jenni/mom2nji Says:

    I am sorry hun. I have never had trouble with SPD, but my knee making me feel the same way. It been 8 months and its not healing right and I am panicked it won’t ever heal.
    You are a terrific mom, whether you can go hiking or not.

  4. @WannabeMomErin Says:

    Just want to offer you some hugs and encouragement.
    Hoping you feel better soon, and that time will heal you physically, as well.

  5. Christine LaRocque Says:

    My dear, I can only imagine how scary that feeling must be. I trust though, that if you stay positive (or at least as much as you can) that you will live the life you want. You can do it, if not just for your sake, than for the sake of your beautiful babies. You are a strong woman!

  6. Christy Says:

    I don’t think I’ve heard you describe SPD before, OUCH! I’m sorry.

    I can’t imagine how it must feel to think that you won’t be able to do things with your babies, but I’m a very firm believer in the Power of Positive Thinking. I know it must be hard on you and I wish I could help in some way. Just know that you are loved even if it’s by someone that has never seen you in the real world.

  7. Winnie Says:

    how long does it usually take for women to recover from SPD? I have a friend who has had SPD with 3 of her 4 pregnancies, but she always recovers…

    • existere Says:

      Many women recover very soon after the baby is born. Those who don’t usually heal within a few weeks. Then some take months or years, and some still have it over ten years later. I’m hoping I’ll be fine by their first birthday. It’s my new goal in the category of Things I Have No Control Over!

  8. Winnie Says:

    yay! I’m sure you can do it! So… I know this sounds kinda weird, but I was wondering if we could be facebook friends! I’ve been reading you for so long that I feel like I know you, but it sure would be nice to see your beautiful face 🙂

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