Me and Sally.

by

When I worked at camp, we all joked about The Hunger Disease. More commonly, it was referred to as ‘feeding the tapeworm’ when you shoved food endlessly in your mouth. It was like an endless ability to eat, and people had insane contests. Seven roasted corn on the cobs. Thirty two marshmallows at the same time. Elicit meals from McDonald’s for ‘brunch’ (when there was only a three hour gap between breakfast and lunch, anyway).

Where is this going? I think the real question is: Do I want to lose the weight or not? Am I ready to lose the weight?

This past week I stayed the same on Thick to Thin Thursday, which is a rather curious thing as I ate for the entire planet. My worm was hungry. Since that last weigh in, I ate an entire large pizza in one night. I ate an entire pack of biscuits in one day. Once, while chatting with Sally (my twitter biotch), I told her that I had just hunted down some day old pizza crusts out of a box that was sitting on the counter. I like her ’cause she celebrated my downfall with me in an almost jovial manner. Perhaps this is because she’s also trying to lose weight, and she is also Feeding The Worm.

We are most impressive.

Do I want to lose it? Do I?

Right now, food has reverted back to some sort of comfort thing. This past week I have been so tired. We have been nervously joking about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, even though we both know that this is the sort of tired you get for caring for two babies for sixteen weeks straight. Bone tired. The sort of tired that makes me crave wine at all hours of the day. The sort of tired that made me wake up yesterday and think at 6:30 am, ‘Boy, I could go for a beer.’ (And I should add, I’ve never been a drinker sort of gal.)

This is fairly fucked up, as my job as a counsellor involves working with people who act on these thoughts – daily, and more than just a glass or two. Parents.

Basically, I’m new mom tired. And new mom fabulous, as well. I don’t particularly mind this weight, most of the time. I was only ‘normal’ size for about two years – big girl loses weight, big girl is normal girl, normal girl gets knocked up with two BIG twins, normal girl is big girl again. It’s like a curious regression, but also a comfortable one because I have been ‘bigger’ for most of my life – or felt like I was, anyway.

What to do, what to do. I think Thursdays are a fucking stupid day for weigh in. That’s one. I did Sundays when I had actual Weight Watchers, and that was quite a motivating day – keeps you focused on the weekend, sets you up nicely for a new week. (I KNOW the day doesn’t really matter, I know I am making excuses.)

I want what most heavier people who are unhappy with their weight want, I guess. To suddenly be a healthy size without having to put any effort in. I need to learn to cook things other than refriend beans scooped onto nachos during the day, though this is warm and tasty and quick. With two babies and no routine, and my personal parenting ideas that I’d rather be having fun with my kids than ignoring them while I cook myself shit (assuming there would be time, which there would not be), it just seems like weight loss is going to be extra hard. I am not out and about with them, because the SPD is still a bitch and because I am afraid to go out alone with twins.

Often when I am extra tired and babies are crying, I shove biscuits in my mouth and wash them down with Diet Coke in an almost frantic manner. Whether I want to lose weight or not (I do, I do, I think  I do), I know that’s not a healthy way to live. I also know that my pee is approaching the colour it was when I was throwing up constantly from ‘morning’ sickness because I drink almost no water.

I don’t know what I need here, not sure what I am asking for by writing this. Just needed to get it down on paper….bloggie paper, I suppose.

All of this has kicked off because in two weeks exactly we are leaving to visit my mother and Bear, and it’s really fucking cold in Country A at this time of year. My post-baby body has only a handful of things that fit, and none of these include a warmth giver. We just did an online clothes shop from a cheapie cheapie store, and it felt bad to not have everything available in my size, or to not risk ordering things I wasn’t very confident of, because they probably wouldn’t fit.I’m not one who likes clothes shopping, but when I was thin I DID enjoy walking into any store and being able to buy any thing.

Okay. Guess I’m gonna sign off now and shower. We’ll feed both babies and hopefully go for a walk while it’s still daylight. It’s going to be getting dark in like two hours and THAT IS GROSS, Country B, why do you get dark so early in the afternoon? But at least here in Country B I’m still in no need of any clothes that provide warmth.

Also – DID YOU SEE THE TWO VIDEOS IN PREVIOUS POSTS of my kids? Comment on them. Tell me how cute they are. I gobble that shit up. I may suck at knowing what I want for my body, or rather taking actions to enable myself in this regard, but I do NOT suck at being a good mom.

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5 Responses to “Me and Sally.”

  1. Gliding through motherhood Says:

    I think it’s hard to find the motivation it takes to lose weight in normal circumstances. Take the crazy tired/emotional rollercoaster ride you’re on with new twins and it makes it 50 zillion times harder. I managed to focus on weight loss for about 4 weeks when the babies were 4 months old and now I’m totally off the wagon again. Anyways, what I’m saying is, I’m sure you do want to lose the weight, it’s just hard to focus on that kind of thing when SO much more is going on.

  2. apieceofwood Says:

    Y’know I think the day you WI does matter… Friday.. I lose weight… Mondays – no chance in hell!

  3. Jenny Says:

    For me, a really big motivator for losing weight was that I wanted to be a healthy, fit, mom who was able to keep up with my kids. Thinking about the baby on the way was totally what made me through the marathon I ran last year! The weight loss caused the end of the hip pain that had plagued me for TEN YEARS, so I think it has in fact improved the sort of parent that I can be… not to mention that involving my kid in being physically active (say by running with J. in the stroller) is a way better manner to get the “exercise is important” message across than by preaching.

    Also,I really want my kid and future kids to have a healthy relationship with food and for them to appreciate eating real, actual food more than processed crap. J’s interest in what we’re eating began really early – he’s long been FASCINATED by eating and has more recently started swiping things off our plates. When he got more persistent and keeping him from it got to be too much of a bother, we decided to call it baby led weaning and let him have at it (within reason and allegen requirements). That means that what we’re eating is what he’ll end up gnawing on and letting fall out of his mouth (right now), and down the road, what he’ll actually be eating. If we want him to eat lots of veggies and fruit and whole grains and protein, that’s exactly what should make up the mainstay of our diets, too. Likewise, if we want to send the message that food should be enjoyed slowly and that family meals are important, then we need to be DOING that, and we need to be doing it now and not suddenly changing the rules a few years down the road.

    Regardless of weight loss, I would guess that cramming biscuits into your mouth and washing them down with diet coke is probably not what you want your kiddos to be doing in a year… so I think that that pretty much says all there is to say about whether you should be doing it yourself. At least put yourself some biscuits on a plate and eat them at the table. 🙂

  4. boo Says:

    don’t beat yourself up over this -i’ve followed your blog for over a year, lurking in the shadows of both of our ivf and pregnancy journeys. trust me, we have both had “interesting” times and personally, i think that you have coped just fine and will be a top notch, grade a kind of mom. however, like you i’m keen to fit into things comfortably, so i’m going with easily accessible fruit – that way, i can eat on the hoof and god do i need to eat! and as an added bonus, less constipation and blood and (slow) weight loss. hurrah!
    before this makes me sound too saintly, i also wolf down chocolate first thing in the morning. sigh.

  5. Capital Mom Says:

    I think you should cut yourself some slack. The weight will come off, but you need to give yourself time.
    As a mom to a 3 year old and 15 month old I am still trying to lose some of that pregnancy weight. Some days I am comfort eating, but I figure that is my reward for not selling both kids to the gypsies. Some days I manage to exercise, but not all the time. Most of the time I am too tired. It has slowly been coming off. I was never a skinny person and my body seems to be holding onto all this weight.
    Part of this may be that I put the kids first. If I really cared about losing the weight I would put myself first more. But I really do care about spending time with them. I know the weight will come off eventually.
    You sound like a great mom. Keep doing what you are doing.

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