Two dozen steps to fun. AKA ‘So you want to have twins?’ AKA Prioritize.

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Have you ever said, ‘Let’s just burp you, honey, and then we’ll clean the blood off your sister’? For your sake, I hope not. How to replicate my morning in a few easy steps:

1. After feeding your daughter, decide to cut her nails while she’s awake. Accidentally cut out a pretty decent hunk of skin from her thumb. Bleeding ensues.

2. Blood is on her face, her clothes, her hand, your hands, your clothes, the muslin. Comfort her. She will throw up because she is crying so hard.  Once she stops crying, keep repeating, ‘Why is this STILL bleeding?’ over and over again.

3. Tune in to the fact that your son is wailing. Look between them, then place her in the bouncy chair, encouraging her to continue to hold the muslin.

4. Feed him. He refuses to burp. Look at her.  Blood is pooling. Her hand looks like it’s been dipped in red paint. She is smiling, smiling, smiling. She is bleeding, bleeding, bleeding.

5. Pick her back up, lay her flat on her back, elevate her hand and apply pressure to the avulsion. When she bleeds through two layers of muslin, add another layer. Take pictures because you will want to blog about this, even though you know you will be too impatient to upload pictures before writing.

6. Look at him while he scratches the holy FUCK out of his face because you haven’t creamed or steroided him, due to the aforementioned bleeding.

7. He looks at you while, yes, he shits his pants. And the chair. And everywhere. Tell him he’s going to have to sit in his shit because blood takes priority.

8. Your daughter falls asleep. The bleeding slows. Take some more pictures.

9. Get back on the horse and cut the rest of her nails, including touching up The Bad Thumb because you not only cut the tip of her thumb off, you cut the nail into a point.

10. BONUS. You son shits some more. If you had changed him before, he would have pooped on YOU while his diaper was off! Score!

11. Finish her nails. Put her down. This is important because he is falling asleep.

12. Pick him up. Go to change him. You’ll need to start cleaning the poop off him before his clothes are even off, that’s how much shit there is.

13. When he is clean and perfect again, go to dry him with the cotton balls. Because he is your lovely boy, boop his nose with the clean cotton and then swirl it on his tummy like he likes. Oops. He’s peeing. Everywhere.

14. Laugh. Crack up. Clean the pee.

15. As you go to put a fresh diaper on, you realise he is SOAKED in pee from the nape of his neck down. Say, ‘Oh, Snooooooooooooooooort.’  Put him in a sitting position and use the muslin (not the bloody one your daughter still has in the other room, a clean one) to wipe off the pee from his back and head. Wipe the changing mat with it. Debate washing him, then realise it’ll make the eczema worse – and you didn’t even know he had it on his back.

16. Take this opportunity to smear cream on his back. Bonus! He burps from being upright!

17. Put him on the lounge floor and begin creaming him. Realise you have not washed your bloody, pee and poop soaked hands. Don’t go near his face.

18. There are no clean 3-6 rompers. Put him in a 0-3 with no feet, MAKE it fit him. Look at her hand.

19. Oops! It’s merrily bleeding again. (Did I forget to mention you have already cleaned blood off her face and fingers? Because you’ll need to do it again here.)

20. Leave him on the floor. Apply pressure to her thumb. Look at him as he scratches his face some more.

21. Go apply some steroids to the side of his face that is available, as he is sleeping on the left side of his fucked up flat head again.

22. Apply some more pressure to her.

23. Go to this blog to write about this. She will puke again while you are on number 17. Look at her outfit. She has now bled through the sleeve that is pulled over her hand in about 7 places. Jesus. In fact, the bleeding looks pretty bad now. And it’s been two hours since you cut her.

24. Stop writing.

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7 Responses to “Two dozen steps to fun. AKA ‘So you want to have twins?’ AKA Prioritize.”

  1. Christine LaRocque Says:

    All I can say is HOLY FRIGGIN COW! You have got to be kidding. You are a saint for not totally losing it over this, cause I think I would have curled up in a corner and cried. Hugs to you! and the kids.

  2. Adelas (Della) Says:

    Totally what she said. Also, I snipped my little girl’s finger a few weeks ago, and while it was not epic like this, boyyyyyyy-o was she mad at me. I had calmed down and stopped apologizing, she had quieted, and then all of a sudden she remembered and was MAAAAAAAADDDDDDD again! Sigh. Poor baby.

  3. Blazer Says:

    Wow, certainly confirms that I am not cut out to be a parent. I don’t know how you do it.

  4. Jenny Wadley Says:

    This is where I should apologize that I am laughing so hard at your obviously super-challenging situation. But I can’t stop laughing long enough to apologize. Thanks for making me appreciate that I only had to deal with frozen blueberry poop this morning!

  5. Katie Says:

    I SOOOO remember days like this…it does slow down and get manageable. Promise.

  6. Jinxy Says:

    OMFG what a day!

    I hate to say it but I have never had to deal with poop like that, it sounds terrible. I’ve been really lucky in the poop department, thank god.

  7. eczema pictures hands | ECZEMA Says:

    […] Two dozen steps to fun. AKA 'So you want to have twins?' AKA … […]

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