I can fix anything. (I think.)


So, you thought I was ‘just’ a counsellor. You thought wrong, biotches. Oh, didn’t you know? I went to Get A Degree Overnight University and am now a registered pediatrician.

Yeah. Because there are no appointments until next Tuesday, even for 15 week old babies with eczema and fucked up rashes. WHO NEEDS CONVENTIONAL DOCTORS?? Not when I can do my own home visits, natch.

Smear some barrier cream on those tummies. If it works for their ass/willy/hoo-hah IT WILL WORK ON THEIR SKIN. Yeah. Rub it in. Rub it in real good.

Oh, her cheek looking bright red? Her forehead still have that vulcan ridge of thick dry skin? Well…..FUCK IT! Your wife will go to the chemist on the way home from work and buy all the cream that yourself, in consultation with Dr. Google, has decided she should be prescribed.

Slap some steroids on his face. Oh, sure, they thin the skin, but what the fuck, right? I mean, his face immediately flares back up into eczema the second you stop using the steroids, no matter that you are smearing him in thick layers of gasoline-smelling cream every hour. And he woke up this morning with broken, scaly skin that may or may not start oozing? STEROIDS.

So. We’ve got a combination of the ass cream, some mild topical steroids, hardcore expensive creams, no doctors appointments for miles around.

Dr. Existere will fix this shit, she’ll fix it reeeeeal good. When TMD brings the new creams and bath solutions home – because the bath shit prescribed last week has caused red bumps and braille messages to appear on two tummies – we will see which one works and then I will tell the doctor what he/she should be prescribing us. Because who needs respect for the medical profession?

Not when you’ve got two babies who apparently were born with such delicate, sensitive skin that unless you are using cream made of pure gold, it will not be good enough for them.


You shit your pants, getting poop everywhere? Yes, it took me twenty minutes to clean you, and I just now remembered that I left shit smeared on the changing mat, a shit covered outfit thrown on our nice new neutral coloured carpet, piles of shit soaked cotton balls on the nice wood changing table. Who cares? The poop is mostly off your skin, and hell, let’s just slap a lot of cream on your cootch JUST IN CASE. Barrier creams can solve anything, can’t they? They work on Mommy’s pimples, they will work on your cootch that is rubbed raw from all the shit everywhere. MOMMY FIX IT, YO.

She fix everything. No questions. No lack of confidence.

You refuse to burp? Well, fuck a doodle doo, I’ll just throw a bib on you until you fall asleep in an upright position, and then rip it off once you are asleep. You will wake up in an hour and throw up, but shit, dawg, we need to air out your paper-thin neck skin covered in that ugly, ugly rash. FIXED IT.

And you, little girl? Overnight nothing fits you? And there are no clean big girl or big boy outfits? No clean scratch mitts for him? Eh, fuck it, yo. I’ll just smell these scratch mitts that I found on the floor to see if they smell like gasoline cream, because if not it’s probably okay for him to suck on them. I’ll do laundry, MOMMA FIX IT.

Oh? Cradle cap? The one thing the gas lotion fixes. Slap it on, glue your fine blonde hairs to your head with all this gunky greasy cream. There you go. Now you look like Mama if she doesn’t shower, and your cradle cap has softened into a yellow goo. FIXED.

Giant booger in your nose, girl? We’ll wait until you throw up out of your nose, as that will push it close enough to the edge for me to be able to hook that little fucker with my pinky finger. And when I pull out that rubbery inch long piece of brown snot, I will hoot in pleasure, screaming my victory much like an old man who catches a big fish in the sea. SNOT FIX.

You won’t sleep? Crying? Mama will pick you both up and sort of juggle you around on her lap/tummy, praying to god your head won’t snap back and break your respective necks at any point. She will rock back and forth and ooze positive thoughts in your direction until you slumber. SLEEP FIX.

I FIX IT ALL. I am a pediatrician, and I won’t listen to you if you say I’m not. Now, back to the rash problem…..


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4 Responses to “I can fix anything. (I think.)”

  1. Gliding through motherhood Says:

    My boys have both had really sensitive skin – my 3yo broke out so easily based on what I was eating when I was exclusively nursing and when he started solids too. I’m all for steroids, gentle soap and not too many baths, and believing they’ll outgrow it. Kiernan is relatively rash free now. Hang in there!

  2. saralema Says:

    I’m so happy that I am not the only one to rejoice over pulling out nostril blockers. I am frequently awed by their size relative to such a tiny nose. CW doesn’t seem to share my fascination, so it’s nice to find a kindred spirit.

    Poor Snort and Coconut! Eczema sucks big balls. They have been on my mind a lot lately. After your last post about it, I wondered if something at MIL’s caused a reaction but it’s been awhile since then. Could it be the nasty aftershocks of the flu?

    We’ve had great luck with Cetaphil soaps and lotions but it didn’t go away until I got off of dairy and eggs. Her red ring of doom also faded. It’s still there slightly, meaning I’m still eating something she reacts to, but it is a lot better. Plus, I’m not sure that area is meant to be peachy like other areas.

    For the cradle cap, what about an olive oil treatment? Lube ’em up and let sit for 15 minutes and then rinse & shampoo. I used a fine tooth comb after 6-7 minutes to pick out the scales. It worked amazingly well for us and I was happy I didn’t have to resort to Selson Blue. One perk of the oil treatment was MP had an awesome mohawk until her next bath.

    I hope they (and you!) get some relief soon.

  3. Darlene Says:

    LOL You know, before your life is over, you will have a teaching degree, a law degree, a degree in architecture and a degree in geriatrics.

  4. Michelle @ doudoubebe.com Says:

    You go, mama! Sounds like you’ve got it down. Try traumeel gel or cream – it’s a homeopathic that’s worked for us many times. For cradle cap, we had one from Erbaviva (Erba Organics now, I think) – but sweet almond oil will work fine – I find olive oil smell turned me off.

    Good luck!

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