Getting emails from all the technological peeps in the world. I AM A MOGUL.


Woke up this morning to an email from Facebook informing me that a page I started has a large number of followers and I need to authenticate my involvement with the ‘company’ by linking to the fb page from the official website, linking it to an actual email address associated with the product, etc. The page I started is for a foodstuff. It somehow has over 43,000 followers – I didn’t even remember I was part of this page, let alone the fact that I had started it.  I never post shit to the wall, there is nothing exciting about this page – apparently the love of this food item has united people the world over.

How to authenticate? Luckily there is a little box where you can plead your case. Like, for instance, ‘Listen, assmunch, this is a fan page for food, moreover food that is manufactured in different countries by different companies. Likewise, someone in certain parts of the world could go pick this shit off a tree. Wanting me to authenticate that I have the authority to create this page is like asking me to authenticate that I have the right to take a shit every morning, thanks.’

I also woke up to an email from eBay letting me know in The Most! Excited! Email! EVER! that I have a yellow star after my name because at least ten people have given me positive feedback. Ebay encouraged (!!!) me to print out the attached Yellow Star Certificate and post it somewhere in my life with pride.

Yeah, how about I print that sucker out and throw it on the pile of shit that is currently on our coffee table? It would look really nice among the empty cereal bowl, camera, baby scissors, baby nail clippers, the latest copy of my therapy magazine, rattles, remote controls, baby diaries, pens, empty earbud bag, Quash, etc etc. Every time I look at your poxy little certificate, I could be reminded of the dangerous addiction that seems to be forming – like the fact that I bought a stuffed baby chick the other day because I managed to convince myself that this stuffed animal was my muse in chicken form.

Or how about the genuine black Crocs from Hong Kong? Because I only have like 6,000 pairs of those fuckers already and there is no reason to buy more. Except, you know, that they are super cheap and I have wanted black ones for years in an attempt to fit in with Styles That Do Not Offend The Eye.

Yeah, thanks. I am spending my time trying not to spend my money on your website, so I’ll rush right out to print out a certificate that will remind me of just how stupidly I have spent money  I do not have. What a bolster to my self esteem that will be! Thanks, eBay!


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3 Responses to “Getting emails from all the technological peeps in the world. I AM A MOGUL.”

  1. existere Says:

    Um OH MY GOD. There are topics on the discussion board for this page, and people are fucking crazy. That’s all I have to say.

  2. Shilo Says:

    Jesus christ you are one funny lady. haha Honestly, whenever i’m in a shit mood and check out your blog I always have a laugh and instantly feel less shitty. xxx

  3. Jinxy Says:

    OMG a star!

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