The one where I reveal the depths of my craziness when pseudo medical people freak me the fuck out.


Tonight a woman told me I needed to call the national swine flu helpline in regards to Snort. My stomach clenched and I felt I was going to abruptly eject The Shit Of Fear all over the couch.

I’ve been sick this week. Headache, poopy times, tired. TMD is now sick as well, which is odd for her. Last night Snort threw up a few times. I hesitate to say it was vomit as who can really tell the difference between throwing up and a violent spit up? But there were three occasions where huge amounts of milk shot from his mouth across rooms.

Today they have both had very fucked up feeds, him more than her.

The thing is, we switched from the easy digest back to the normal milk yesterday. And they are also 11 weeks old, near growth spurt time. Both are feeding less than every three hours – which is fucking shocking after getting used to much longer stretches, I can tell you…like having newborns again – and not having as big of feeds as usual. But is this a bug, a growth spurt, new milk? Who knows.

Then Snort felt warm. Okay, quite warm. Hot?

We put one of those forehead strips on him. Said 37/38 degrees C. Our fucking nutso health visitor is always banging on about temps of 38 and how YOU NEED TO SEE A DOCTOR IF YOU DON’T WANT YOUR BABY TO COMBUST. So I called the doctor.

And the fucking receptionist said to call this hotline. I was crying and shitting myself, even though I knew he did not have the Swine Flu. I thought, at most, he was just fighting the bug TMD and I have had. This phone number began with the recorded message, ‘Welcome to the national pandemic hotline.’

I handed TMD the phone and hightailed it to the toilet.

Now, bowels empty and head more clear, we are still waiting for the doctor to call. I refuse to talk to him/her. Because I am apparently just as crazy as that fucking health visitor. I told receptionist lady that I really didn’t think there was anything to worry about, and the tone of her voice was like, ‘Okay, then. Risk your child’s life.’

Twenty minutes after this whirlwind of hysteria, including me saying, ‘Fuck, I don’t think I can handle having children,’ Snort was lying on a blanket smiling away at the Taggie I was dangling over him. Ten minutes after that, I was reading him and Coconut a story and realising this was all the most fucking ridiculous thing in the entire world.

It was scary, though.

I can’t imagine how scary it would be to actually feel that something was wrong with your child, as opposed to just freaking out because some crazy bitch was playing it safe. (I thank her, whilst calling her a crazy bitch.) I like to think I would storm the doctor’s office….anything to avoid the huge wait at A&E.

I think the thing is that these people trigger my worst fears. I may doubt my own instincts, because I am a bit of a worrier when it comes to their health (I got this from my mom, who is always fake diagnosing me with various diseases.). But when someone utters a phrase like ‘Swine Flu’, I start off on a train of crazy thinking.

What if this IS the start of the flu? God, should we have gone to the doctor yesterday? What symptoms am I watching out for? Google says mortality is highest in babies!!

Thankfully Google also said it had the symptoms of being flu like (well, yes), unresponsive, a rash, coughing, etc. Snort is about as alert as he’s ever been.

And he doesn’t feel hot anymore.

Our couch is littered with various thermometres, where TMD made us take the temp of every member of the household in two ways just to compare. She wasn’t doing it in the crazy way I would have, though: she was using it to prove the point that forehead strips are fucking stupid and inaccurate.

Anyway. If I believed in God I would be very, very thankful tonight that things appear to be just plain ordinary. The status quo is a happy place to be when it means you have two alert, playful, and calm babies on your hands.

Thank you to my twitterful twitty type friends who provided instant support and love. I needed it.


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4 Responses to “The one where I reveal the depths of my craziness when pseudo medical people freak me the fuck out.”

  1. Jenny Says:

    We had the swine flu last week! All three of us. Influenza virus confirmed by qtip up my nose in hands of doctor. We did not freak out possibly because I am a biologist. Jolly got antibodies via Stephanie and some Tylenol, and was crankier than usual and a bit sneezy coughy fevery but nothing too bad. Swine flu = it is not the apocalypse. We have been there as a family, and we survived. We did not leave the house for a week, but we are all FINE now. No panic needed. If Jolyon had developed complications we would have noticed and we would have hightailed it to the doctor again, yes, but we were NEVER in a state of panic, and we actually had a confirmed early case of the swine flu, and made newspaper headlines. So, you should not panic either.

  2. Tatiana Says:

    It’s really tough when you’re a mom because suddenly everything seems more urgent. When something threatens the health of anyone in your family, it’s hard to react calmly & thoughtfully.

    Also, isn’t 38 fine? I thought we were supposed to freak out @ 40. FUCKING CELCIUS.

  3. Megs Says:

    Just want to reiterate Jenny’s sentiment – now that I work for The Place That Monitors All Diseases, its pretty clear that swine flu is not much different to the regular flu. So far 135 people have died of swine flu. Compare to any given winter, where 3000 people due of regular flu. Mainly old people & people with serious underlying medical conditions that affect the lungs or immune system. Truth is he probably DID have swine flu, and you guys too, but you are totally fine and the good news is now he has the antibodies to fight it – for the rest of his life! The great news is probably so does Coconut because the majority of people who are infected have no symptoms. Do not stress, m’dear!

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