Another day, another dollar. Pregnancy symptoms, let me hear you holla!

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Ah, Friday. The end to another week.

I now have (yes, folks, time for another edition of ….. Count the Complaints!!): utterly crippling SPD…perhaps more details later, an asshole completely textured like the surface of Mars due to all the hemorrhoids, fingers that no longer work as I have been diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome from all the swelling, magic feet that go purple the instant I am upright and flesh coloured when I lie back down, funky wrists, stretch marks from here to eternity,  tightenings that take my breath away when I am upright, 60 extra pounds,  and a bump that just won’t quit – and a nice, pricky rash on it that feels like I am constantly being stung by a hoard of angry bees.

You know what I say to these things? FUCK YOU, buddies, because I’m going to have babies!!

That’s right. Two healthy, funny, squishy, fat little babies who will love me even though my stomach will be down to my knees and I am likely to be pooping blood for about ten years. BABIES. Real live babies.

You, babies, are both very very wiggly. I don’t know about all this stuff saying you feel babies less the closer you are to term, because you are BOTH hugely moving, hiccuping, punching, and gyrating to your internal disco beat. You both seem to be awake a lot of the time, and are often both moving at the same time. Sometimes it makes me feel a little bit surprised and stuff, but that’s okay.

I’m trying to be zen about the birth but failing miserably. I got a leaflet in the mail today entitled ‘I want my baby but I don’t want to be at the birth!’ Yes, exactly that. After months of praying they stay put for health reasons, I am now praying they stay put because I can’t bear imagining the alternative.  Though I worry, worry, worry about TMD being able to finish her dissertation, I am hoping that there is only three weeks left.

I am worried I did myself some baaaaaaaaaad damage to the ol’ symphasis pubic joint last night, and unfortunately it wasn’t even doing anything fun! And speaking of fun (babies, avert your eyes), if they are in a position for a natural delivery, TMD and I are going to get jiggy with it like mad cowboys from week 37. Even though that sounds like the least appealing thing ever on offer. We will get them out!

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5 Responses to “Another day, another dollar. Pregnancy symptoms, let me hear you holla!”

  1. Jinxy Says:

    Those symptoms sound horrible and I’m sorry but you seem to be in a good mindset about them.

    That last paragraph made me almost wet myself I laughed so hard.

  2. Megs Says:

    3 weeks? By my calculations, 2 weeks and 3 days! Thats 17 days my friend. (and only 10 DAYS til you can get your freak on!!!!)

  3. existere Says:

    Yes, but they ‘take them out closer to 39 weeks than 38.’ Bastards.

  4. Megs Says:

    oh dear. even more reason to get busy with TMD!!! they will come out when they are ready…

  5. 2momswithaplan Says:

    I’m singing that song in my head “get jiggy wid it, nah nah nah naha nhaha”… ok so I’m a horrible singer! The point is – as pp pointed out – in just 10 days you will be able to switch from dreamgasms to real life orgasms! How exciting is that! I’m sure that thought alone made all your symptoms go away. 😀

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