Fears.

by

Oh, god. Just reread yesterday’s venting and now I am crying again! How is it possible to feel this down and depressed when I am growing two lusciously gorgeous babies? I am beyond lucky to be pregnant with twins – on the first try, no less – and yet I just mope and mope.

I know this is part hormones, part feeling sick today, part being at home for seven long weeks. And still having so long left to wait – 12.5 weeks. I guess that isn’t actually that long, but it sure does feel long. And every time I wish it was already August, that the babies were already here, I feel guilty because I WANT Torre and Mano to stay put until 38 weeks are up.

I just feel easily overwhelmed. Joy wrote me with some simple requests for me to do – all things I already knew about and planned to do, but it feels like a ton of concrete has been dumped onto me.

And the root of all this? I AM TERRIFIED.

I am worried something will go wrong with one of the babies, both of the babies. I am so fucking scared of having these little people in me, that I am somehow going to screw it up because my body is having such a hard time coping. Reading about twin mommies who work till 36 weeks makes me feel like a fucking loser because I don’t even feel physically okay when I am lying down. Reading about people who lose their babies at 38 weeks makes me SO FUCKING FEARFUL because I’m only at 25 weeks.

What if something goes wrong? Where has my positive mental attitude gone?

During IVF I was so happy and confident. Now I’m just a fucking crazy, upset mess. Part of me is looking at me and wondering if I ought to be accessed for antenatal depression (despite clinically knowing one bad day does not depression make). Then I hear Kleinette’s old words in my ears – how quick I am to jump at the worst for myself, when in reality everything I’m feeling is totally normal and appropriate. What pregnant woman doesn’t worry?

I also worry that all my stressy nerves will hurt the babies. I don’t feel like this all the time. Not even most of the time. But for these minutes during the day when I wonder if I can bear to let myself love these babies in case something horrible happens, I feel like if I let myself really start crying I might never be able to stop.

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5 Responses to “Fears.”

  1. Tatiana Says:

    It’s normal to have some fears. But you have GOT to keep your chin up. Remember, you have to be strong for yourself and your babies, and I know it’s so hard, I know you’re hurting physically and emotionally.

    I was rereading some old stuff on my blog and there’s a comment from you on one of my sad/emotional posts where you say: “I hope a year from now you are rereading bits of your blog. And then you look over at your gorgeous daughter and know how worth it everything was.”

    And it made me smile. It hasn’t been a year obviously, but every fear and worry and anxiety during pregnancy, no matter what it was related to, is irrelevant now. She’s here. She’s mine. Nothing else matters.

    You’ll be here someday too *hugs*

  2. Megs Says:

    You are already in love with them. And you are still thinking sense through the emotions, so have a little faith in yourself! I wish there was some way to help… want a visit maybe? Are you into movies or TV right now? Have plenty of movies plus Sex and the City/CSI/24/Friends/L Word on DVD. Books on CD? I have the entire David Sedaris collection, good for a laugh. Maybe you need a project, like a baby book or something? Hm. Sending lots of love x x x x

  3. Megs Says:

    Also, you still have your sense of humour about you. Reading the word Fartface on twitter just made my day 🙂

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