Lots of stuff in response to Tatiana.

This morning wasn’t great. I can no longer brush my teeth. I got violently and repeatedly ill this morning. While I have vomited up water, most of my days thus far have been dry heaving. No longer.

This morning I puked up water, then bagel, then continued to dry heave. I think I have ripped every stomach muscle I have. The puke was so thick it rebounded and a thick string of it went all the way across my face.

I collapsed into a sobbing wreck, saying that I didn’t think I could handle this. And also, I’m terrified because it’s such early days that it can only get worse. No thought of the babies/baby this morning, just a lot of ‘poor me’ going on.

I also called my boss crying to say I had missed the first train and didn’t know what to do. I’m a lot calmer now, sitting at work. Taking very very small bites from ginger cookies every few minutes or so. It’s really convenient that I hate ginger, you know? Still, I’ll try anything.

I was flipping through my big fat pregnancy book – and all the symptoms it lists for month two are ones I had already in month one. I can’t help but think this really might be twins. It has stopped being a joke and turned more into a fear factor experience.

Of course I want to be pregnant. Don’t get me wrong.

But I feel like shit. This morning on the train I was thinking about riding that train and looking down into my baby’s goofy, smiling face and thinking all this sickness was worth it.

Had terrible back cramping in the shower this morning. Having some cramping in the front now. It never stops being spooky and somewhat scary. I had 12 hours of sleep last night, plus a nap yesterday, and could quite easily bed down on the couch again today.

It doesn’t bode well when plain, ordinary water grosses you out. And toothpaste – Jesus. Aussie said her two mom-type friends at home both had problems with brushing their teeth. Made me feel better. I don’t have any real life friends around here who have had babies.

I can’t believe my symptoms are this strong and I’m still not even at the date where I should be testing for pregnancy. (Erk. Worried about these cramps.) I should be booked in for a scan three weeks from 20 December, which is my official test date. That’s when I find out if this is a viable pregnancy, as well as how many beating hearts are in my stomach.

I wish I was rich and could stay home all day for the next two years.

4 weeks pregnant.

Well, it’s official. I can’t brush my teeth without terrible consequences. Last night I was sick for a good 20/30 minutes afterwards. This morning also featured a nice bout of dry heaving.

I’m now thinking that what I thought were random occurrences of gag reflex – toothbrush style – last week might have been early precursors to this. I don’t feel terrible. But I don’t feel good. I can go awhile feeling snazzy, and then just a general feeling of pukiness sets in.

While women can experience morning sickness this early, I don’t think it’s terribly common. I also cannot imagine this ‘peaking’ at 9 weeks. I just cannot imagine what it is like to feel sick every time you move. I’m nothing like that.

Let’s see: my boobs are still veiny. My nipples have also changed colour and seem to be hard a lot of the time. General breast/nipple tenderness.

The only other thing is this feeling of fullness. I simply cannot even eat half of what I used to eat at meals without feeling like I am going to explode. And, incidentally, my stomach looks like it is going to explode. I must have TMD take a 4 week baseline picture this evening – though the only true baseline would have been before my ovaries swelled up like pumpkins a few weeks ago.

Just very mild and occasional queasiness, wonder breasts, feeling full, looking full – and occasional terrible stomach pain, some heartburn, and still burping (not as much as at first, but it’s picking back up).

TMD went to her company Christmas party last night and won this kid’s medal for something or other. I clutched it while trying not to vomit for the third time last night. It’s now hanging on the medicine cabinet for encouragement.

Can’t believe I still have hours and hours of work to go. While I have been feeling very tired (and apparently looking very pale, not to mention huge hunks of red dry skin that make me look like I have a painted on beard), I’ve been okay today. Set my alarm during lunch break just as a precaution – and was shocked when I woke up from a dead sleep 40 minutes later.

Normally naps make me feel like shit, but I think this once was quite good. Might make a ritual of this. Green was lovely and let me have the big room for lunch, so I was able to shoehorn myself onto the tiny couch.

I wonder if someone in the room next door could hear my heavy breathing. Hmm. One to watch.

Signing off from this catalogue of symptoms,

Me

Yesterday was low, low, low. Today is more sane – so far.

Yesterday was a crazy day. We retested in the morning – another positive. For some reason, I had trouble believing it. I spent the day in freak out land – especially after spending time looking at a website that said women had complained of false positives with Clearblue.

I also had a play therapy session in the afternoon, and when the child drew on my face I was mentally screaming, ‘You’re putting toxins in my blood! You’re killing my babies!’ I know.

TMD was lovely and rational and pointed out that we had had two positive tests. She also went out, at my request, and bought another brand of pregnancy test. This morning we did another Clearblue, as well as this pharmacy’s own brand. That puppy said it was not accurate until the first day of your missed period – but it too was a resounding positive.

So, for those keeping count, that is four positive pregnancy tests. One of another brand, as the ‘control.’ (See my use of scientific terms there? Classy, huh?) I am now believing that the tests are not lying.

That added to the shape of my stomach – wtf. I’ve not really gained any weight, but my stomach has changed shape and developed a life of its own. I don’t know if anyone but TMD and myself would notice, but we’ll be seeing Aussie on Friday and then she can be the objective eye.

Not that she’s too objective, because she keeps going on about how she wants to kiss my belly. Corporate T has been lovely as well.

My mother and sister also know. And sort of my boss.

TMD has said that at this point, maybe I should start keeping my mouth shut. Well, my dear, let’s see if I can also manage to keep my pants zipper shut. It’s not looking hopeful.

Many, many thanks for the warm and lovely comments.

8dp3dt…

Pregnancy testing early: to do or not to do, that is the question. Right now, scores of you are probably thinking, ‘Don’t do it! What if you get a false negative and it makes you feel all desperate and depressed?’

As I said to TMD last night, I know I am pregnant – I just want confirmation.

So before we went to bed we put out a cup for me to pee in this morning, an expensive pregnancy test, and a lot of discussion. I said that I would have to approach this calmly.

And?

WE’RE FUCKING PREGNANT.

Pregnant!

What? How can this be so? Are you sure you see the line? You see the line, right? Why aren’t I more happy? Do you definitely see the line? Let’s take the test back into bed with us and see if the line is still visible in dim lighting. I see it. I really fucking see the line? Do you? You knew you were pregnant, so maybe this is anti-climactic? Is the line fading? Do you still see it?

My pal Pregnancy Line appeared almost instantly. It’s quite faint as, let’s face it, this is very early days. If I tested again in a few days, it would likely be much darker. But in the meantime, as the people on the pregnancy message boards say, A LINE IS A LINE.

And.

I.

Am.

Pregnant.

(What happens on existere stays on existere, please. No facebook messages or banners outside the house. You are literally the first people to know. I tried to call my sister and she’s apparently out on the town, so I want my family to know by my mouth, not by facebook’s…um, face. Thanks!)

PPPPPPPRRRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEEGGGGGGGGGGNNNNNNNNNNNAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNTTTTTT.

 Feeling quite shaky and carrying the pregnancy test around with me wherever I go. Also carrying around a baby or two with me wherever I go. So freaky!

Ten points for me.

Today’s been innnnteresting. This ‘morning’ featured me getting into a blind rage regarding food. I’d just had some toast and juice, and then was ragingly hungry. Poor TMD was trying to sort things out, while I’m screaming at her in a growling sort of way.

The next thing I know, I am howling and crying. Not normal crying. Like screaming crying. Drawing in a big lungful of air, then screaming it out, tears flying everywhere. It took a long time for me to stop crying.

My ass has woken from its 30 hour coma as well. I’ve pooped more times than you would care to imagine today. It feels just like it did after the egg collection – it actually hurts to sit upright. Like I have a giant limb up my ass.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, we are going to put up the Christmas tree!

Seeeeeeeeriously. It cough-puked in my mouth two seconds after writing the last entry.

Tatiana, as always, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the comments. I consider you an expert, you know – you ARE brewing up a gorgeous little tootsie in your tummy, after all.

Now –

I just coughed and almost threw up all over my desk. Said, ‘hmm’ then speed walked to the loo. Immediately threw up some water (as is my wont), and then spent some quality time dry heaving.

I don’t feel nauseated. I just feel like I need to throw up when I need to throw up, you know? For some reason, not feeling very YIPEE about the sudden onset water puking. I should be happy to be puking if it’s Baby Time, but I can’t help but think that I could psychosomatically making myself do this. And if I AM, then by god, I’m good. I sure surprised myself.

My throat feels sort of strained. I feel a little bit like you do when you need to puke but are holding it in. This morning during The Friday Morning Gag-A-Thon I was clucking like a chicken trying not to puke, choking out supportive phrases like, ‘Hold it on, come on now, you *cluck* ..you are *cluck* fine. You don’t need to puke. You are done *cluck* brushing your teeth.’

Oh fuck. Even talking about brushing my teeth makes me need to cluck. I hope I don’t shit my pants while vomiting in the ice cold bathrooms at work. Like, seriously.

Also, another fun fact: my friend Corporate T HATES the sight or sound of anyone brushing their teeth. Could he be pregnant, a la Existere style?

Dropping off the kids at the pool.

In the interest of accurate recording, I had really wacko leg pains this morning. Like I’d done a load of exercise. I assumed it’s because I did a lot of up-and-downing of stairs last night (if you count the one step into the bus as a ‘stair’), but am now on a wonderous site that says achy legs are a symptom of pregnancy.

My boobs are still nice and veiny. Also getting more sore. Think they look big as well.

I hope this is all just not wishful thinking.

My weird need-to-puke-OR-DO-I feeling from this morning has vanished. I still have not pooped. I cannot wait to just relax on the toilet tonight, for real.

Since the egg collection, peaceful and rapid poos are a thing of the past. If I’m not willing to sit and wait, nothing is willing to come out. But prior to today and yesterday, I pooped like 2389 times a day. Yesterday only the once. Today none. I am trying to casually fart at work without breaking the silence of the room. So far, so good.

Fun fact: when I was a baby, I couldn’ t be bothered to poop. My mom says that if I was playing or something, I would stop straining almost as soon as I started. She said my asshole would be dilated and completely brown with poo, and she’d need to ‘dig it out.’

Consider today a regression? Please, let there be no digging out.

8 days to stick peeing.

I’m a worried woman. The combined Incidents Of Last Night have really unsettled me, along with the lower back pain and fairly constant(ish) cramping in my lower abdomen.

Yes, I realise both are common in early pregnancy.

But I keep thinking – what if?

I am not entirely clearly what happens when nature and science mix. I mean, I had my embryo transfer on Day 22 of my cycle. But is it really Day 22 when you’ve had IVF and things have been hormally manipulated? It would make me feel better to think that my body recognised the egg collection as ovulation. That my body was giving the embryos as long as possible to do their thing.

I’m just nervous as, well, in a normal cycle my period would be due todayish.

The clinic rang and left a message yesterday, and I spoke to the head IVF nurse today. The woman who received my eggs apparently gave them a beautiful card she wanted passed on to me, and the nurse wanted to see if I was okay with that. The nurse also said she asked her to say a big thank you to me. And reiterated what an amazing thing it is to donate eggs.

All this would have been lovely yesterday when I felt preggo. Today I am still worried about last night. While lying on the couch during lunch time, I realised I’m being wacko. No one causes a miscarriage by opening a car door. (touch wood)

Been invited along to a meal tonight, but think I don’t want to risk a second night in a row of not lying down after inserting My Pal The Pessary.

Yes, I realise I’m a bit anal. But really, this is all worth being anal over. Am trying to recoup on my positivity – think I’m feeling neutral tinged with worry, but still sort of believing I’m pregnant?

This shit is killing me.

Teeth make people pretty, most of the time.

Last night was like some sort of maternal Fear Factor. I kept doing things and then thinking, ‘Fuck, why did I do that? I hope I didn’t hurt the babies!’

I don’t know what you know about pessaries. If you stick ’em up your pooper, those puppies are secure and will not come out or leak until you poop ’em out. (Incidentally, I’ve not pooped in over 24 hours. WTF.) When you stick them in the vadge department, as soon as they reach body temperature they begin to ooze out your cootch. There is no nice way to say it.

So you really want to lie down for about 30 minutes after insertion to give the meds a chance to be absorbed before you sit up and essentially piss yourself with white creamy stuff.

Last night I was doing the group with the kids. So I donned my trusty latex glove (there was no soap in the bathroom. Thank god I thought to bring a glove in case of this situation arising), shoved my bullet baby nice and high, and then promptly ushered ten screaming children into a van, where I then spent the next two hours being bumped around, herding children into their various homes, etc.

It is a big ass van/bus thing. And the door kind of sticks.

At one occasion last night, I couldn’t get it open at all. I had already thought of the fact that pulling very hard wasn’t good, but nonetheless I had to keep trying to pull open this sliding door. When I got back in the van, I had constant, very bad cramping.

Of course I freaked out.

There has been no blood. I am hoping that this happened to coincidentally be the time the embryo/embryos decided to fully implant. If I had bled last night or this morning, I would not have forgiven myself.

It’s been a relief to lie down all last night, spend my full 30 minutes making out with my pessary this morning, etc.

I also vomited into the bathroom sink last night. Brushing my teeth has always carried a slight risk of The Gag Factor, but last night I vomited in the toilet. When I tried to brush again, I couldn’t make it to the toilet (next to the sink, I hasten to add), and threw up in the sink. This morning when I leaned over to rinse after brushing – no toothbrush anywhere – I started massively gagging again.

I don’t claim this is morning sickness. I have been fighting a slight vomit feeling this morning, but really only when I think about how I threw up last night.

I hope I don’t develop an aversion to maintaining healthy teeth and gums, yo. No kid wants a mom without teeth.

Yikes!

Oh, god help me, I’m so insane.

Just went to an IVF due date calculator. If I have one bun in the oven, this website says the due date is the 26 August. If I have two, it’s 5 August.

And, you know, I might just be exactly three weeks 1 day pregnant today.