Archive for December, 2008

Ode to wifey. (ie – should I share this, or will she kill me?)

December 31, 2008

Um, I know what I TOTALLY forgot to tell you people. When I was really, really sick, putting in my vadge bullet (‘pessary’ to civilised people) made me violently ill. I couldn’t stop gagging or being sick. So TMD started putting them in.

And that’s not all. When I had ripped every muscle in my stomach and back, I was weeping on the toilet because I couldn’t reach my ass to wipe. Yes, folks, she wiped my butt. Just the once – but jesus, is that love or is that love??


Choose from the catalogue, kids.

December 31, 2008

After an eventful morning of being locked out of work and wandering the streets looking for a coffee shop that was open (‘Oh my god! You’re like Mary in Bethlehem,’ TMD says.) I’m safely tucked in at work. I’m a little disappointed the doors weren’t still locked when I returned for the second time, because I was feeling all pregnant and tearful and sorry for myself. I wanted to go home.

Now semi still feeling that way, but gulping down orange jello seems to be helping.

So…..six weeks pregnant today. And while having a baby with its own heartbeat inside me is pretty miraculous, so is the Bella Band. Seriously. Go buy one. I don’t know why they are only marketed to pregnant ladies when they are so clearly the answer to every woman’s prayer. Well, every woman with trousers that don’t fit correctly, anyway.

It’s this stretchy cotton band that allows you to wear your pants partially or totally unzipped, and it holds them up. Holy comfort, Batman. So if you’ve gained some weight this holiday season and want a cheap fix (as opposed to a new wardrobe), get to googling. I went on and on about how miraculous this thing was to Joy yesterday, and then finally stopped myself as I realised I was bordering on fanaticism. And that’s never good.

I also pointed out to Joy that I was now convinced that should I turn into an evangelical Christian, I’d be really fucking good at it.

Six weeks pregnant. My first doctor’s appointment is Friday. I imagine there will be some sort of tussle over how pregnant I actually am, as they base these things on your last period and IVF stretched my cycle out – making everything about five days later than a doctor would calculate.

Not quite sure how the whole pregnant lady thing works here (or anywhere, to be honest), but hope I’ll be referred to a midwife soonish. The scan is still feeling really far away.

Looking forward to asking a perfect stranger (albeit one with a medical degree) if orgasms are a-okay or not. I’ve been having some pretty hot dreams involving myself and the lovely TMD, but not sure if real life incarnations of them are good or not. I have had at least one sleep-gasm, though, and things still seem to be ticking along. So that’s good.

Other symptoms, for posterity’s sake: my nipples are very, very dark. Except when they become so hard I could cry, and at that point the tips become albino white. A little scary. They  are hard most of the time, bigger than normal, and hyper-sensitive – not in a good way, either!

My boobs are still veiny as can be. The deep breathing I was having earlier on seems to have abated a bit, which is a relief as I always sounded like a pervy phone call man.

Headaches have ramped up – if I don’t eat in the middle of the night, I’ve had two days of 24 hour headaches. Pretty awesome. Dizziness also seems to be a new pal in my life. This is not too bad and only seems to happen in the mornings when I first get out of bed. Or in the middle of the night when I’m peeing, which is happening a lot.

Except that my pee is slowly darkening again and also looks a bit…fuzzy? Unclear? I don’t know. Going to ramp up my water intake.

Toothbrushing is still a major feat of will. I’m more likely to be acting out scenes from the Exorcism if I brush in the evening, and last night’s regurgitated pizza sure was fine. Also vomited up the prenatal vitamins, I’m sure. I can only safely brush in this crazy routine I have which requires an entry of its own. I can also only use this disgusting strawberry flavoured toothpaste if I want any hope of managing to contain myself at deep gagging rather than actual upchuck.

Let’s see, what else. Lower backache. Needing to eat every 3 hours to not be sick. My body changing shape. Oh – a good one – I’m pooping better than I have in my entire adult life. Sweet jesus. I love it.

While none of this sounds too fab, every day feels absolutely blessed because I do not feel like I did a couple of weeks ago. That was, quite literally, hell on earth. I’m almost glad I experienced that because it makes all the other minor dizzies and vomits seem like a giant piece of tasty cake. I hope hope hope I don’t get sick like that again. Boy howdy.

Anything else? Have I missed anything? Other burning questions you may want answered?

I HAVE A BABY IN MY BELLY. Or, more specifically, somewhere behind the line where pubic hair meets belly.

Sharing the love, one retch at a time…

December 30, 2008

This morning I reached out my hand, touched the toothbrush, and then said, ‘Uh oh’ over and over again. TMD said, ‘What?’

After some more frantic uh-oh-ing, she lifted the lid of the toilet for me. I proceeded to make a noise  Opposite Gender Soulmate would recognise as my ‘chicken chowder gagging.’ Nothing came up, and I decided that brushing my teeth this morning was not a necessity. This physically hurt me, as I am a gal who likes her whites white.

As I walked to the train (yes, in work today) I realised that not only had I not brushed my teeth, but I’d forgotten to use mouthwash.

How gross am I? Gross enough to make you chicken chowder gag?

If wishes were horses…

December 29, 2008

I wish I had a Mr. Miagi.


December 29, 2008

Dare I say it, I’m feeling pretty good. I haven’t gagged or thrown up in at least two days. Hurrah! May be over my initial snarling that I would never EVER get pregnant again – watch this space. I’ve moved on to other symptoms, but to be honest with you, ANYTHING compared to being sick every 20 minutes for 8 hours straight feels pretty damn good.

Just starting to get impatient for the scan. Though…..the closer the scan gets, the closer my reschduled driving test gets. Yes, I finally pulled my finger out and rebooked it for a Saturday later in January. Seeing as I haven’t driven since October/November when we started the whole IVF thing, it should be pretty awesome. I think I am less likely to be a speed demon (part of the reason I failed last time) this time around considering that I’m not used to driving, and that I have a passenger or two in my stomach.

Cross your fingers.

Also booked my first doctor’s appointment for this Friday. I’m hoping they’re nice, as the doctor I had in town was so good you could be forgiven for thinking we had private health insurance. In a country where everything’s free (including poop on e.r. chairs – no lie, it happened when we took Aussie to the hospital once), one thing sometimes in doubt is quality.

What else, what else.

I’m working from home today, so will actually be at the computer. This means updates, though if they are as thrilling and action packed as this one, I don’t know if you (or I) will be able to handle the adreneline rush.

Oh! Final Twilight-related analysis:

Twilight was okay. At least I wanted to keep reading it until the conclusion. I gulped it up, just don’t think it was anything special. The middle two books were so terrible I would almost have preferred to go temporarily blind rather than have to read them. The final one, though, was actually good. I really liked it. There’s my astute personal opinion.

According to the websites, anyways…

December 27, 2008

I am spending all my time eating or sleeping, but I thought I would pop in here to say one thing: the heart(s) started beating yesterday. Merry Christmas.

Is my child going to be Bart Simpson yellow?

December 23, 2008

Came here to write about how I AM the most inappropriate person on the planet, perhaps with a blow-by-blow account of the multiple conversations I’ve had today that prove it, then I saw Tatiana’s comment.

What constitutes fully cooked egg yolk? Not being runny? Both my eggs were runny. I didn’t know I couldn’t eat runny eggs. What else am I not supposed to eat aside from cat feces, soft cheeses, and …um…

I signed a text ‘Baby Momma.’

December 23, 2008

Okay. For now, I feel human. In fact,  yesterday I felt mostly human. Granted, I had to sit all day at work with a big plastic bowl on my lap, run to the toilet every half hour or so, and sometimes just clutch the desk and breath deeply. But after the vomit-a-thon last week, it felt miraculous.

Last night I even managed to eat something. Half a baguette with a fried egg and cheese inside. Had the same this morning. My pee also is slowly becoming less brown. Hallelujah!

Of course, I’m now worried that I actually had the vomiting flu that is going around and not morning sickness at all – which TMD says is ludicrous as I’ve been sick now for more than a week. Here’s hoping for more days of slight headaches and gagging with no actual vomiting!

Yesterday I started feeling excited about being pregnant. TMD also spent some time talking to my tummy. This morning I patted it a few times. That mother is big and rock hard. I look about four months pregnant. Hrrmmm…

So I’m at work with my Sprite and roasted salty peanuts. Fingers crossed this day goes on as it has started. I’m 4 weeks 6 days now.

Vomitus maximus.

December 22, 2008

From 7 pm on Friday night until 2:15 am, I threw up every 20-25 minutes like clockwork.

I stopped needing to pee. When I do pee, it is very dark brown and smells like you would never ever believe. Friday was so awful I considered going to the hospital on Saturday.

Then I discovered that by eating every hour (by ‘eating’ I mean a couple of grapes, one veggie finger, or some jell-o) it is much more manageable. I cannot drink water though. It makes me so fucking sick it’s unbelievable.

Discovered non-caffinated tea doesn’t make me sick, though, so at least that’s getting some water in.

At work today. Have dry heaved twice this morning, once at my desk – probably to the horror of Green. Am registering with a local doctor tomorrow in the hopes of getting an appointment to see someone soon – although Christmas screws everything up.

Have the date of the first scan  – January 12. This is to determine if the pregnancy is viable. Due to the excessive sickness, I would hazard a guess that it is. It’s also to see how many kidlets there are.

This morning while trying not to faint in the shower, I moaned, ‘We’d better have twins now and then WE ARE DONE. I am NEVER doing this again.’

Coming a little out of the negativity and feeling more positive about the pregnancy, but really so uncomfortable and sick it’s hard not to just cry and feel sorry for myself. I hope the baby/babies won’t be put off the flavour orange forever, since it’s all I can seem to keep down.

I also cannot zip my pants even an inch. These fit just fine before the baby thing. I bought a Bella Band, a big tank top like piece of fabric that you wear down low over your unzipped trousers, saving you from having to buy a bunch of new stuff too soon.

I love that Bella Band.  That’s one good thing in all of this. And it looks cool.

And I’m pregnant! Brown pee and all.

(The smell of my pee makes TMG gag.)

Thank you again for all the comments. Haven’t been online since writing the last entry, and made me feel hugged to get into work and hear from all of you. *mwah*

Fucking HELL. (otherwise known as: I’ve ripped every muscle in my chest and stomach from vomiting.)

December 19, 2008

I’m such a big, terrible, ungrateful baby.

Yesterday I was sat on a wall for 2.5 hours. I went to meet a colleague so we could do the pick up run for the Thursday night kids group. By the time he arrived, I knew I couldn’t do it. He took one look at me and said, ‘You look like shit. You should go home.’ I said I needed to sit on the wall and just catch my breath.


Two and a half hours, as it is getting dark, as occasional rain is spattering. I was just sobbing and throwing up. Probably about 8 or 9 times. Green said she was going to come get me, and I said there was no way for me to get into a taxi. TMD eventually came to pick me up – and I was feeling more human. Called my doctor crying, asking for help. She said, ‘Whenever you feel sick, just think: I’m pregnant! How wonderful!’ I could have punched her well-meaning face in.

She also said that morning sickness is a sign of a healthy pregnancy.

But, dude. I woke up in the middle of the night dizzy and sick again. Dry heaved and cried some more. Threw up stomach acid.

I am wearing acupressure bands. I am sipping this godawful homemade ginger root substance.

I had ‘lunch’ of four tortilla chips. An hour later, I was throwing down the phone (talking to my mom, if you can call incoherent sobbing ‘talking’) – and throwing up the chips. I also pissed myself while vomiting. My pee is now very, very dark.

I know I am dehydrated. Going to try this ‘take a very very small sip every twenty minutes’ thing my mom is advocating.

I can’t handle this. For reals.