Archive for June, 2008

I’ll think of you these months, while I wait.

June 29, 2008

I’ve wanted you in my life for years, you and your sister, your brother. I will be exasperated when you ask for a dog, we will make pudding messes together, you will be allowed to fingerpaint on canvases large enough to paint our lives on.

I want to know you so well, before you are born and afterwards. I can’t wait for the moment TMD holds you in her arms, my hair lank with sweat. I will thank god for every stretch and tear in my vagina, every mark on my body from carrying your weight, my chapped nipples. Sometimes I will be exhausted, sometimes I wil weep, sometimes I will wonder if I am up to the awesome job of being one of your mothers. Throughout those times there will never be a moment I wish you were not here, with me, with us, together.

I want to hold you and make up little songs in the middle of the night. I want to drop with the need to sleep, and TMD to come hold us both, even though she has to wake up in two hours for work. I want to hear you squeal as you splash water all over the bathroom floor. I want to read you the book I will write, just for you, about how you came into this world and became part of our family.

I want my heart to break when you go to your first day of school. I want my little sister to take you on wild adventures that I really don’t want to hear about. I want to buy you that camera, those ballet shoes, that baseball glove. I want to encourage you and remember what it was like to be young once, the world shining and huge and open to possibilities. I want to read you the same book again and again, to the point of skipping words or pages in the hopes you will not notice; I will be pleased, and tired, when you DO notice.

I want you to fill my belly, my heart, our life. I want to go to antenatal classes and trade endless boring stories with other pregnant moms. I want you to be there, to talk to the next one through the thin layer of skin as he/she stretches my body once more. I want to teach you how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I want to give you lots of time alone with your imagination, I want you to never doubt that I love you – even when you are fifteen and think you hate me.

I want to argue about how well you are/are not learning to drive. I want to visit you at university and take you out for really expensive meals – you and all your friends. I want to completely fuck up braiding your hair, or figuring out how to top n’ tail. I want to fear giving birth and look forward to it at the same time. I want to watch you figure out who you are, and I want to be there – in the background – when you realise that you are who you are right now…who you are does not come at 16, 18, 21, 50, 80.

I want strangers to stop and say how cute you are. I want presumptuous people to feel my belly. I want you to kick them away. I am ready for you; I’m sitting in your room right now. You get the last of the evening’s sunlight. Your window looks out onto this quiet little street, where you will ride your bike and make friends with other scabby kneed kids. This will be your first home, and every minute of looking for that home included reserving a special space just for you. Your room has rose-coloured carpet and curtains – it came with the house, but we sort of like it. There’s room for a little pop-up tent, or a chair with a blanket over it, or a rocking chair.

We’re not rich, but we’re not poor. And when you come, when you emerge into this world, I want you to know that I wanted you with every fibre of my being, that my soul has waited for you this immensely long time, that you were loved before you were even conceived.

I’ve made an appointment with your other mom, to see the doctor who is going to help us make you. It’s for the day after I turn 30, and the best birthday present I can imagine having will be seeing the day that your birth day comes.

I love you.


A few moments.

June 29, 2008

Went to the baby-making session yesterday. Like last time, I was on the verge of crying the whole time. Unlike last time, my near-tears were not due to excitement and anticipation, but fear. Statistics were jumping out at me.

The chances of conceiving in any one natural cycle through IUI are 10%.  Over three cycles, the average success rate for the under-35s was 23%. And these are among the top figures in the country.


Suddenly I was veering toward IVF – 55% success rate per cycle, and I could get treated for free if I was willing to donate eggs. I know because of my age, I am more likely to be put forward for the natual IUI cycle, and that’s what I thought I have wanted all along. But suddenly I am wondering – what will I do if this does not happen?

I have been ready to be a mom for a long time. I don’t know if I could recover from not getting pregnant, and I am afraid to think how that might manifest in my relationship. I have been unflinchingly positive, even secretly believing I will conceive on the first try, and now I am scared scared scared.

Empty threats.

June 27, 2008

Woke up this morning to a very weak supply of hot water, which made our kitchen sink showering quite unpleasant. This new bathroom had better be worth it.



June 26, 2008

A few minutes ago I glanced at the clock on my computer. It said 14:05.

My brain translated this to mean it was just after 4 pm, meaning I only had an hour left (get out early on Thursdays, donchaknow) before meeting Epilady and TMD for drinks.

Just now I looked at the wall clock and realised it is just past 2 pm.

OH GOD. The crushing disappointment.

Baby time, again.

June 26, 2008

Yesterday we got some info about the Baby Making Meeting we’re attending on Saturday; I was so tired from working longer than usual (!) and then going shopping for bathroom shelves that I barely glanced at it. We went to one of these information session a few months ago, and are rebooking to refresh ourselves on the situation – as well as get a huge discount on the initial consultation session.  If this session has to be in the first few days of my period, I don’t know how accurate our booking will be, since we don’t want to go in until September. Or August, maybe.

Still, I saw the advertisement on public transport and couldn’t run home fast enough to book us into the session. I tried to make Aussie come, too, but apparently she’s not lesbian enough to want to do so.

Last time we were there, we both got quite weepy during the powerpoint presentation, which featured pictures of unbelieveably cute babies. No one ever puts up the pictures of kids who are so ugly they make you wonder if you really do want children, after all. No, it’s the airbrushed perfect eight month olds who make aging single women, lesbians, and unluckily-married-to-guys-with-no-good-sperm women shiver in ectasy.

This time it all feels a little scarier, because we’re not just there on a little trip to Curiosity Island. This time we’ve got a plan. Three and a half months and we’ll be going there for a little bit more than pleasantries, statistics, and kick ass BBQ flavour crisps. WEIRD.

Something else I should probably tell you:

June 25, 2008

I had a minor piss-the-bed episode on Monday night, just in time to kick off the unwashed debauchery as our bathroom was completely gutted on Monday afternoon and we now shower in the kitchen sink.

And today, I managed to somehow piss down the back of my leg while in a public bathroom (thus squatting). While cleaning off my leg, I realised I had got a giant spot of pee on my actual trousers….much to my horror. I immediately put a bunch of water on this spot, and then strolled into my meeting with psychiatrists and whatnot.

I have managed to forget about this incident until right now, and all I want to do it sniff my leg and see if it is noticeable.

Off for lunch! See you later…

I don’t judge me. The world owes me a living.

June 25, 2008

You know what I want? A message board online. Some place where I can just chat back and forth with people at lesiure – great for killing time AND for getting to know people. Does anyone know how/where to do this?

Second, I am really in the mood for blueberries.

Third, my birthday is soon. And while I can normally think of very few things I want, I am compiling a list. (Yes, my birthday isn’t until September. I really just wanted to write a list of stuff I want to remind myself of it, and thought I needed to justify that list being here.)


The Muppet Show – need all seasons
Charlie and Lola – need all seasons (they come in a lunchbox!!)
the live John Mayer album
Ani DiFranco’s canon album
the green handbag Monica (from Friends) took on her honeymoon with Chandler
The L Word series 4
Dr. Who (new stuff) – need all series

If you own any of these things and possess the technology to make duplicates, I should state that while it’s ethically probably very wrong, I am not adverse to free copies of stuff.

Condoms are good, STIs are bad.

June 23, 2008

Also, I got my results from that course I was doing for Day Job.

You are reading the blog of a fully qualified and accredited sexual health worker, specialising in working with young people.

Go me. Yet another qualification to add to my pink file folder. They’ve invited me to sign up for an MSc, but I think I’ll pass…for now.

Typing is almost easier when you’re unconscious.

June 23, 2008

This is my first Monday when I will not be going to see adult clients after work (at the LBGT place).  It felt totally natural to just be going home until I had a quick lunchtime chat with TMD, who asked how many clients I had this evening. At that point, I realised I had freedom! I will miss that place much, but it feels right to move on.

I’m so tired now.

Had a longish (but good) morning, spent early afternoon visiting local organisations, had a very late lunch, hung out in the park. All interspersed with phone calls to/from Aussie and TMD. Our new bathroom work starts today, and it was really nice to get a text saying that a corner of the wall was rotten and had to be replaced. Also, there were three layers of tiles in places – and one wall where tiling had been applied directly to wallpaper. Classy, hey?

I would kill to take a bath. I haven’t had one since we moved in because the bathtub freaked me out. I am ready for water, for reading, for relaxation. Except right now, when I am fighting to stay conscious. Have loads of stuff to read this afternoon, and I hope I can stay awake! It should help that everything is uber interesting and new, but who knows….

I wish you all a very happy, sunny afternoon!

I can tell if you’re gay before you can.

June 23, 2008

Operation Fingerpaint is ‘full of lesbians’, according to the other counsellor in my office (who is, indeed, a lesbian).

I met a bunch of the staff last week and would have to say I agree. This makes me happy. Yay gay, what ho and so forth. Tally ho.

I also have to say I am pleased as a non-punched person that the other lady IS gay, because I was seriously starting to doubt my gaydar. But, no worries, all systems are up and running.