Here here here.

I’m here. We all are. And I have lots to say. Much of it more insane worries over how tall my kids may or may not be.

Pushing that little bit of my own personal crazy aside, I’d like to say for posterity that we had Coconut tested for a peanut allergy. She had a few hives when the kids tried peanut butter, but her reaction was pushed to the side in light of his much more severe reaction. The doctor said if she was borderline, her immune system has kicked that allergy’s ass.

Snort wasn’t so lucky on the peanut front. His skin prick showed a bigger reaction than last year. The doctor also wanted him tested for wheat, but it wasn’t available. He tested negative to early flowering trees, which was a shock.

But the biggest shock of all – his immune system is kicking the egg allergy’s ass. Last year his egg reaction was much larger than the peanut. This year it was tiny. 2 mm. (whereas the peanut measured 10 mm with smaller hives all around the large one.)

He’s having blood tests to confirm that it has gone down, and then if they are okay we will soon be having an egg challenge. We get admitted to hospital, with a resuscitation team and medication at hand, and he gradually is introduced to more and more egg protein powder.

We are all excited that eggs may return into our life. We shall see, though. We’ve been warned this test is just to make sure eggs won’t kill him, but it may totally fuck up his eczema.

It’s a half day or so in the hospital. Coconut will stay with her Nana, and this will be the first time I’m the parent responsible for a hospital admission. Exciting in a totally sick way.

The doctor did ask about the height of the sperm donor, and myself, during the appointment. And before we even went in, while reviewing Snort’s chart, he came out to grab the boy’s height growth chart thing.

This has worried us. I didn’t ask for either kids’ height or weight to be given to me, so I don’t know how he measured, but we measured him at home. He was in the 98 percentile at birth, dropped to 75 and hung around there for awhile before settling and staying around 50. Well, dudes, he’s like at the ninth now.

Of course, I’ve also measured him as being in the 98. So, you know. What the fuck. I do think his growth has slowed, though, as he no longer towers over coconut. While she has held steady and perhaps even gone up a bit in percentiles. We generally don’t care about what charts say, as long as we see we have happy, healthy, thriving kids, so they haven’t been measured or weighed in a long time. If he has dropped this severely, of course I am slightly freaked.

Going to try for a same day appointment on the 3 August, so wish us luck!

Can’t believe the kids will very soon be three. Yikes!

And in TTC news, TMD is now on the pill. Things are moving forward. I start the pill in August when my next period starts. I have lots of feelings around how I haven’t been physically preparing for the process this time, largely guilt and fear, but that’s for another day.

I’ll leave this entry with the fact that we had a brutal and awesome post picnic dinner water fight last night. Massive. I did not win.

But I loved it anyway. My family are great, even of Chick-fil-a disagree. (what, you’re out of the loop? I’m getting pretty active on my Facebook page again – come find me! It’s called, predictably, ‘existere’ and features a pic of one kid pushing the other in a toy trolley.)

I’ve missed the dildocam.

Road trip to Country W today. I’m having my antral follicle count – to see how many follicles (and therefore possible eggs) I produce in a natural cycle. It’s day 4 of my period.

Let’s hope things look good, as TMD and I are moving forward with various screening tests. And, an additional cool thing, I mentioned to the clinic that the woman I previously shared eggs with had requested to be informed if I donated in future. She’s apparently thrilled, grateful, and already on the pill waiting to be synched with my cycle.

So half my eggs to TMD, half to this other woman. Unfortunately our same sperm donor is not available, but we don’t really mind that much. This new baby is OUR baby, you know? Whether they have green hair or purple eyes is irrelevant.

The most interesting part of today is TMD’s dad. He has to come along as I’ll have the kids. No doubt I’ll have to take them on my own at some point, but this first appointment it’ll be nice to have them in the waiting room with FIL.

I have consequently discovered a neat little trick to end any conversation. I simply say ‘ovaries’ or something similar.

So, I’ll update you later! Peace out, yo.

Uh.

My AMH is 21.95. That’s pretty fucking good. Better than good.

Nurse says I’ll respond better to IVF than TMD, but it is only in terms of quantity, not quality. Though obviously my eggs are great, or were three years ago, considering I had twins and the woman I shared my eggs with also had a baby.

Cancer risk apparently under 5% and doesn’t increase with multiple cycles. Still scary. But they know of no clients of theirs who have developed it.

So. Lots to think about.

First batch of fertility test results. (Mamacrow, this rambling entry is dedicated to you.)

Well, bummer.

We went to the fertility clinic this morning, and things didn’t exactly turn out as we had hoped. As I mentioned before, they now test AMH levels. This apparently measures the quantity of your eggs in reserve, not the quality of them. (When I had IVF, they performed two different hormone tests to measure the quality.) Apparently the minimum cut off for being able to eggshare is an AMH level of 15. TMD had 11. They also did a scan to count how many follicles she had – for eggsharing they require ten. She had nine.

So, as the saying goes, close but no cigar.

We have a couple of options, maybe. TMD had new bloods drawn for her AMH today – it’s a pretty stable hormone, but this is just to recheck it. I also took away a kit to test my levels – so on days 2-8 of my cycle, I get my blood drawn locally and post it off to the clinic to see how my egg reserves are. My two minute google on the way home in the car suggested that AMH may not be a good indicator of actual fertility. It tells you if you have a lot or only a few eggs left, but not whether those eggs are high quality.

Three options.

One, TMD gets her levels retested and they are okay. She has another scan and it, too, is okay. We then move forward with the seven hundred other tests you need to complete to share your eggs. This costs about one grand.

Two, if my levels are okay, we move forward with me giving half my eggs to TMD and half to an anonymous recipient. Just like last time, in fact, except I won’t be the one with the swollen belly afterwards. This costs about two grand.

Three, we decide to just pay for TMD to have ordinary IVF and not do eggshare. This costs about five thousand, and that worries me heavily, as it is an awful lot of money. And what if she really didn’t get many eggs?? This option might also make us feel pressured to transfer two embryos as we could not afford another cycle – and while we’d take twins over having no third baby, the aim really is a singleton this time around. However, I think we MAY be leaning towards this – and if my AMH levels are below 15, it really is the only option left to us anyway.

At any rate, I should be getting my period in about a week. Hopefully my local practice nurse will agree to draw bloods for me (jesus, was today expensive – 300 for the consult, 100 for her first AMH, and another 200 for her repeat and my AMH!) and post it off. We then wait a couple of weeks and schedule a phone consultation with the doctor.

I guess once all of our blood levels come back, we may see that we have many options – or only one. TMD was raising all the questions she had about having another child, her fears about pregnancy, on the way to the appointment this morning. As a result of today’s findings, she (and I) are strengthened in our desire to have this third baby. I just hope she/he materialises as quickly as possible, in the best way possible.

Holding pattern. (and lots of parentheses!)

We are waiting. Waiting for the flat sale to be complete, for a car, for bikes, for a baby.

‘The baby’ is often talked about (rather carefully if little ears are around) – or maybe it just seems like that because I think about it constantly. The hospital bag we will use, TMD in labour, the wrap we’ll use in the early days.

How we will need to save the bikes (you know, the ones I have yet to order. I think Coconut is too short for even the smallest ones!) as the baby will use them one day.

When we will pick up the baby gear we let some family borrow. About how Snort and Coconut will finally get some more booby milk (in cups, as I suspect they’d never be able to latch).

Ideally I wanted all the kids (!) to be much closer in age, but feel like that’s impossible with twins. Most people I know have a singleton and then twins. I know next to no one who expands their family again once twins hit the scene.

I suspect we have interesting conversations ahead of us. I would love another set, but realities mean that would be so difficult (TMD is tiny; could she go full term? Financially she would need maternity leave earlier even if full term, and if early and needing a stay in special care, with two three year olds already? Ugh. Etc…) 

So the aim is one baby.

For now. Muhahaha! (I made reference to a third pregnancy/fourth baby the other day and she was not keen.)

Where are we at, TTC wise? TMD has had her AMH bloods done – a new policy by the clinic. When I did ivf I had my hormones tested individually, but I guess this is different? Either way, it checks fertility and suitability for egg sharing. If she is eligible, then all the millions of further tests are now free (they weren’t when I did it! Bastards!).

Chromosomal analysis, every disease known to man (some repeated throughout process), etc.

She’s got all the paperwork already for us to fill in, which we will bring along to the consultation, which we haven’t booked yet. We decided to go with her eggs this time if possible. I’ll still be young enough to share eggs in a couple of years if we do go for that fourth pregnancy, which would be her again – I want desperately to be pregnant but don’t think my body could take it.

So that’s where we are. Edging slowly forward. I think the plan would be to move forward with the actual ivf process once we are back from Country A this summer. Cross your fingers for our two three year olds and one baby vision!

Needs versus wants.

We have no curtains. The kids need single mattresses. TMD goes for a very expensive blood test on Wednesday to see about her fertility, and the results are disclosed at an even more expensive consultation.

All this, and all I want is to buy my kids these bikes off amazon. Helmets off eBay, as amazon is pricey. They flipping love bikes, but we need curtains. And beds.

But, oh, the joy these two little bikes would bring.

It would seem….

A lovely friend linked me to an article stating that children conceived with egg or sperm donors from Country A are eligible for citizenship. So if we go with my eggs, baby number three can also get dual citizenship.

I wonder about TMD – what are her rights, considering she is the mother of Country A citizens? Particularly once she pops one out. Hrm.

Ah, the game changes.

Just got off the phone from ‘our’ fertility clinic (please read entry I wrote about an hour ago for more details on my current TTC freak out!). I forgot how fucking nice IVF nurses are. We talked for a full half hour. And there’s been an interesting development.

Me: There’s no reason to think TMD won’t be fertile enough to share eggs, and my fertility might have changed, but is it a possible scenario for ME to donate half my eggs to an anonymous couple and the other half to TMD?

Nurse: Oh, yes. We do that all the time.

!

This changes the ballgame. There are huge advantages to that route, namely that it would be ME who had to have all the monitoring appointments and TMD wouldn’t need to miss work. I’m over my romantic views of pregnancy (for me, anyway, for TMD getting pregnant I would step up, folks!), and don’t feel any need to have TMD come along to any of the egg-making appointments.

Also, uh, passports. Last night TMD pointed out that a kid she had might be screwed for getting a passport from Country A. Now, the law HAS changed here. Babies conceived by IVF in a fertility clinic with two mums automatically get both mums listed on the original birth certificate. (This law changed four months after we conceived Snort and Coconut, thus TMD needing to adopt them. That is a whole different ongoing pain in my ass.) So if my name was on the birth certificate, would Country A give any kids TMD had an issuance of a foreign birth? And if so, they would get a passport.

Country A is not very gay friendly, but if it were MY eggs, perhaps there is some argument to be made in regards to TMD being a ‘surrogate’ carrier for ‘my’ child/children? This is where is sucks having an anonymous blog because I’d love to ask you all for info, but am aware some of you don’t know details. But let’s be honest. You can GUESS Country A, can’t you? Land of the free, home of the brave, hater of the gay, and all that?

So anyway. TMD has no idea when her last period was. (ARRRGH!! Ha. I am totally the boss of this motherfucking pregnancy, at least until she actually has a kid in there.) Our plan we are going forth with is immediately registering with a new doctor after we move and trying to get TMD an appointment next week, before she starts her new job. She needs an AMH blood test (costs 95, and results are given at the 295 appointment! Shite!) and if we can get it done free locally that is a huge bonus. This is the baseline test which checks her fertility – if it’s good enough to eggshare, we move forward. If it isn’t, I guess we get me tested.

My hormones are definitely changing. I’m back to being a crazy ass monster before my periods. This ended when I got pregnant and has been gone since giving birth. So hopefully the return of my I’m-going-to-fucking-KILL-you moods means my hormones are all geared up for babies. If needed.

I don’t know if we will go with TMD’s eggs or mine. All the advantages seem to be with going with me, fertility permitting, but we shall see. My new pal the nurse at the clinic is going to get in touch with the main branch (where we had Snort and Coconut created! miracle!) and see if there is sperm available from their donor. We’d like to use the same sperm donor.

But you know, if his swimmers weren’t available, I wouldn’t care.

I don’t care about what eggs are used. I don’t care about what sperm is used. Because none of that really matters. It’s hard to tell that to someone trying very hard to conceive their first child. They might be very invested in picking the ‘perfect’ donor. But I’ll tell you, these kids of ours? I love them.

I love them with blue eyes, I love them with brown eyes. I love them with curly light brown hair, I love them with wavy/straight white blonde hair. They are MY children, OUR children, and they would be our children even if they had been born to another woman on another continent.

Our children are our children, however they get to us.

And speaking of getting kids to us, I guess this whole fertility TTC thing will mean I am blogging endlessly about the subject again. So….either enjoy it, or I apologize, or something. Love you all.

Day before moving day panic on a subject not related to moving.

Oh, eff.

The good news or the bad news? The good news is that the clinic we know and trust is actually closer to our new house than the unknown clinic. The bad news is, it’s still an hour away. And that’s just too far.

If you are someone with spare time, google for me. GOOGLE FOR ME. We need a clinic accepting private patients (as lesbians, we are not eligible for the state to pay:( ), that does eggsharing, and that is a reasonable distance away. I’m thinking we need a clinic that is possibly in a neighboring large city (?), as travel on motorway is probably quicker. But apparently once you move away from, uh, The Big Main City, your options plummet. In TBMC, where we lived for ten years and conceived Snort and Coconut, we had our pick of multiple clinics scattered around.

I know we’ll sort something out. TMD suggested maybe using holiday days to go to the clinic. For those who don’t know about IVF (anyone not reading through my last, very detailed IVF experience!), it requires trips like every other day to the clinic for monitoring scans, medication adjustments, egg retrieval, and embryo transfer. Not to mention all the blood tests and paperwork required before you can even start.

Holiday is worth using for something like this, but how will a brand new job take to someone taking every other afternoon off for a couple of weeks? After taking two weeks off for a trip abroad to see family? Logically, I know time off is time off and no one can take issue. I still worry, though of course TMD’s age doesn’t leave us the luxury of settling in for a year or even six months before undergoing treatment.

I’m just bummed today as MIL and her hubby are coming up shortly, and I wanted to call a couple of clinics and get an consultation booked for next week. Is it even worth booking one so far away? I suspect it possibly is, especially if it ends up being the closet to our house. Le sigh, though.

Well, whatever. I’m going to give them a call now. I PRAY I can understand their accent. I did mention this is in a neighboring country, right? Since moving here, I have no problems with most dialects. I’ve gotten used to the different cadence of voice. But really thick accents can take a couple of minutes for my ear to click into. Just want you want when you’re asking about sperm.

Pee, babies, anger.

Updates on the potty front – yesterday morning Coconut was like, ‘No potty today. I’ll do wee wees tomorrow.’ Fine, okay, whatever.

Then last night out of nowhere Snort was all, ‘Snort wee wee. Wee wee chocolate ball!’ So he did proceeded to do two wees. And this morning? The kid woke up and went over to the potty, took off the lid, asked for some help with his nappy, and did his thang. This prompted Coconut to try (after another declaration that she’d use the potty ‘tomorrow’ – a phrase only surpassed by her use of the word ‘Saturday’)…and get upset when she couldn’t. The kid really only needs to pee like twice a day. Is that normal?

On the babymaking front, our clinic we used last time and loved has a branch very near where we’re moving (although – wait for it – it’s in Country C). This is nice as we know and trust this clinic, and possibly might be able to use the same sperm donor? Though I have contacted them a few times over the past year to enquire about our sperm donor and the sperm lady never gets back to me! So that pisses me off.

I’ve also found an even closer clinic (again, in country C) that does eggsharing as well. Their success rates look phenomenal, though obviously it’s a clinic I have never heard of and don’t know anyone who has used it. It IS half the distance, but I wonder if that is worth is when the other clinic is VERY well known.

Well, whatever.

TMD and I never ever fight – like literally. But last night she pissed me off mightily, and I actually woke up still angry. I decided to suck it up and apologize so we could move on, and she instantly said something that pissed me off more than the stuff that happened last night.

So. That’s about it. Stumbling – yet pretty rapid – potty progress. Possible clinics that I am still too angry and tired to call and try to make appointments, etc. Waiting on a delivery of 35 boxes so we can get the rest of this place packed up. We move a week from tomorrow. I’m questioning it as I love our flat, our town, our neighbors and friends. I feel a bit like we’ve gone too far to turn back now, though, so I guess at this point I just want to be moved.

Sorry this seems gloomy. Or maybe it just feels bitter and angry because that’s how I am. I really want this to be like YES!!! SNORT IS AWESOME WITH THE PEE!!!!

And he is.