Saturday (transfer day) and Sunday
Horrible back pain
Monday 8 October, two days post five day transfer
Horrible back pain
TMD texts at 12:48 to say she feels sick. Resolved by 2 pm.
Hungry in the middle of the night.
Tuesday 9 October. 3dp5dt
Back pain gone
TMD says she is more tired than normal, but doesn’t know if that is because she knows I am doing more stuff so she can allow herself the luxury!
Is ‘aware’ of a sensation low down on the right. (Shit! Exciting! Though she’s been worrying all day it was ectopic because of the one sided sensation. I remember having this exact concern when I was pregnant!)
Wednesday 10 October. 4dp5dt
Feeling sick in the morning.
Texted at noon to say stomach has been unsettled all day.
Text at two- ‘Dude. I just feel out of it. Can’t remember if this is what I always feel like.’
This evening said her stomach was unsettled all morning. I suggested the word ‘queasy’ and she said yes, but then backtracked. I think we are both afraid to give these things more meaning than they may have. She is more scared than me.
Reiterated that she felt totally out of it all day, like her brain was not in her head.
Thursday 11 oct. 5dp5dt
Texted to say feel unsettled in stomach again, from 8 45
Texted five minutes later to say feels sick, but is worried is psychosomatic. All I’m thinking is that she’s sick before test date, like I was. Twins?!
texted 12:30 to say she felt fine, with big sad face. said she’d rather be throwing up her guts! felt better about 11:30 am
She’s had a crazy period where she is not convinced she felt sick.
8pm feels unsettled in the stomach again. Ha
Friday 12 October. 6dp5dt
TMD dreamed she had a pregnancy test last night. ‘One line, two lines, then the whole stick went pink.’
Unsettled stomach again this am till about 11 30. I am now worried it’s not ‘real’ and is caused by her progesterone medication. The more days her possible morning sickness goes on, the more I want to test. She is dead set against testing until tuesday. Oh, she also has a headache this am.
Feels sick again this evening. I am so scared of thAt pregnancy test.
Pendulum swinging says pregnant, amidst rolled eyes.
Saturday 13 October 7dp5dt
Tmd had dream last night that she was in labour!
Felt sick this morning, but she was dismissive of it. Like, ‘I get sick every time I take all these tablets.’
Sick all day,increasingly so. keeps saying she feels very full.
By late afternoon/early evening, feeling very sick. Headache all day (has had most days), feeling very very tired.
The past few days I have been planning our pregnancy reveal on facebook. I am sick.
Pregnancy test 4 am. Negative. I am in shock. Though I woke up just before the test from a dream that we would test negative in the morning, then positive at night. In reality, neither of us wants to test again before Tuesday. There is still a chance, but we have to be realistic. There is a pall over both of us. TMD obviously feels horrible and is rushing around like a maniac. She says she has no symptoms this morning.
I am feeling very negative and like this is all my fault. I was so SURE she was pregnant. So, so sure.
It’s not even lunchtime and it is like a crazy house here. Like we are both on the upswing of a manic depressive cycle. Homemade plaited bread, Halloween costumes sewn, patio furniture all cleaned and ready for storage, tidying, cleaning, huge new recipe for lunch simmering on the oven. I keep telling her to remember she may be pregnant so not to get too wild or strain too much. The house is looking pretty fucking nice, though.
Still has feelings of fullness. Looks bloated. I am afraid to ask her too much, and she isn’t offering anything. No sickness or unsettled tummy today
TMD didn’t eat dinner. She still feels really full. Had to unbutton her jeans. Tired.
Please let her next test be positive.
In the interest of accuracy, she was breathless at some point earlier in the week.
Okay. She is bloated up like someone stuck a pipe of gas down her throat to blow her up like a float.
9 25 pm. Feels sick again. YES. I don’t know what to think. I am still cautiously optimistic.
TMD doesn’t think it has worked. We aren’t testing until Wednesday as her dad is here tomorrow morning and that’s just too intrusive. We are trying to move forward thinking we will have a great life with the two we have, but oh, how I miss the one we probably don’t have.
I’ve cried a lot this morning. Feeling nuts as I veer between knowing this cycle is a bust and knowing it is not. Also blaming myself over egg quality. Feel like I didn’t give our kids a good chance to live because all I eat is shit.
TMD texted to say she’s had an unsettled stomach again all morning. At this point, if this is just the progesterone, it is the cruelest medication I know.
Tuesday 16 October 10dp5dt
I feel so low. Can’t help but wonder if we should not have tested early. We were so happy and exuberant before. Just so joyful. Then as soon as that stark white space showed up, it was just brutal. I still have this secret idea that the test tomorrow will be positive. TMD is buying two more brands, so we will test with first morning urine on three brands.
I am so sad.
But I guess if tomorrow’s test is negative, at least we were already expecting it on some level.
Can’t seem to stop crying. Feel sort of like I did when my grandmother died, like if I allowed myself to feel all I was feeling, I would lose control and not be able to regain it. I miss my family. My friends. My wife. I wish she was not at work today. I am a total nutcase. And yet some part of me truly believes tomorrow will yield a second pink line. I really do. But still the tears come.
Hour later. Now been crying for three straight hours, just slow leak of tears. TMD says her stomach is unsettled again. I hope this whole three days of hell is just so that when we get a happy ending it is that much more exciting. Dramatic. Blah blah. I lifted a heavy tray of groceries last night and my back in agony. Don’t feel like I can cope today.
She had a positive pregnancy test dream. I had three.
The test was negative
Two different brands
Didn’t bother to try with the third brand. No point.
Is it possible she WAS pregnant and it has not continued? All those symptoms. Sigh.