Invisibility.

by

The hard thing about being around close friends/family who were not around during my pregnancy is that they only know the old me. Someone healthy, without pain, with no mobility problems. My disability is mostly invisible. I don’t need a wheelchair anymore, and I often do not use crutches. The only things that are easy to see are that I am exhausted and not as active as I used to be.

To someone uninformed, I guess I could look lazy.

But when I have explained the situation, that I can’t lift heavy things, I have to stay still if I can’t walk well, etc…..well, if I’ve explained and you keep calling me lazy, then I suppose that’s the part where I should tell you to fuck off. Or ignore you.

Instead I am slowly being driven crazy, and very hurt that someone I love chooses to only see the worst in me, rather than the difference in me. I’m not the person I once was. I have to take care. Even on a good day, even if I’m walking for miles after taking my meds, I have to always watch myself. It’s very easy to do too much, or to take one misstep and reinjure myself. To prevent a total inability to walk, I have to take it easy.

Right now I need to readjust myself. I can’t force someone to not think I’m lazy, but I can try to use this as an opportunity to regulate my emotions around the issue.

I guess.

I know a rational conversation about it is what is needed, but I am close to snapping and saying very hurtful things I don’t want to say. So I keep my mouth shut. I love these people who think I am making my wife do everything, who think I am an awful, lazy person. I keep my mouth reined in because most of the time, it’s good. We have fun.

But I am feeling very strained, and last night I was very scared about my mobility. This disability is never going away. Neither is the related exhaustion and decreased physical ability. I’m pretty okay with this, trying to accept it and work with it. Most of the time I succeed. Now I just need to realise that I don’t need to be so hurt by this. Does it bother me that someone thinks I prefer sitting on my ass to helping out, even though I physically have no choice? Of course. But I guess there is no point getting so upset about it when I know the truth, when TMD knows the truth, when the way we do things makes sense for us even when other people think she does more than me. And of course she does, but again, that’s not always down to choice.

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One Response to “Invisibility.”

  1. Lauren Says:

    I know that we are in a similar situation where Kwojo does more than me. But it’s not about us each doing an equal amount, it’s a about it being split fairly. It wouldn’t be fair if we did the same stuff and I ended up in pain. I just wanted to say, I hear you. And yes, it sounds like you need to talk with this person again.

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