Happy Halloween!

How I got pregnant with Snort and Coconut.

Being a lesbian means you don’t get to have uninhibited sex and get knocked up. I know you know I had IVF, but do you know what I did to prepare – particularly when we thought we were going to opt for an insemination?

1. I lost all my weight…you know, except the weight that was healthy. Being very overweight may affect fertility, but losing weight definitely does. While you are losing weight your fertility can actually sharply drop. So after I lost all my weight, I maintained the loss for awhile. I can’t remember if 3 or 6 months is the recommended time frame (to allow things to stabilize – and fertility can increase if you enter a healthy weight range and stay put), but I kept it steady for at least a year.

2. I learned all about my fertility. I read books, websites, talked to doctors.

3. I did daily cervical checks (by touch) to learn about my most fertile times, and how my cervix awesomely kept me in the loop.

4. I temped daily with a basal body thermometre….for months. This taught me about when I ovulated every cycle, and how long my luteal phase is. If none of these terms are familiar to you and you’re getting knocked up at home? Learn them.

5. I monitored my cervical fluid daily and learned how it changed throughout the month.

6. I learned how items 3, 4, and 5 work together to clearly signal (usually!) when I am at my most fertile and about to ovulate. And how they confirm I have ovulated.

7.  I stopped drinking/eating all forms of caffeine six months before we started ttc. Yes, caffeine lowers your fertility.

8. I started a prenatal vitamin with folic acid six months before we started ttc.

9. I learned about the legal considerations and ramifications of protecting the rights of a two mom family.

These are just the most basic things I did. These are things I would recommend any woman or transman who wants to get pregnant should do.  Even if you aren’t trying to make a baby – or if you have a sperm making partner and want to avoid a baby, learning about your body is empowering. And useful.

Two books I think everyone should have on their shelves? The only two books you need?

The New Essential Guide to Lesbian Conception, Pregnancy and Birth by Stephanie Brill. AWESOME. I read dozens of books and this was hands down the best book for talking about how to increase your fertility. It talks about a lot of things that impact it – I recommend this book to all my friends, even the straight/male partnered ones.

Obviously there is a lot that is lesbian-centric (and most didn’t apply to us as we weren’t using a known donor, etc), but the chapters on fertility make this a must read.

Taking Charge of Your Fertility by Toni Weschler. (website here) This is the acknowledged handbook on all things fertility – well, monitoring it! You’ve got your cervix, the fluid coming out of it, your charts, your how to guide to charting and temping. It is glorious. For the life of me, I can’t understand why this book is not on the curriculum for young women. Buy it. Now.

It simply isn’t enough to think you ovulate 14 days after your period starts. No app on your phone or computer can tell you when you are likely to ovulate without as a MINIMUM charting your temp daily (and remember, you need a special theromometre – but it’s cheap. Don’t worry!). There are also fertility scopes (I never used one) and ovulation sticks, but by far the best way to understand fertility is to understand your unique rhythms.

Now, I don’t know what would have happened if I hadn’t taken steps to increase/maintain my fertility.  What I do know is that my fertility levels were excellent (tested by blood), I had a good crop of mature and healthy eggs, I got pregnant with twins my first go, and the woman I shared my eggs with got pregnant as well.

Me, 35 weeks pregnant.

It just makes sense to me to understand how your body works, when optimum times for trying to conceive are, and how you can help. I know too many lesbian couples who don’t temp/chart and have cycle after cycle of negative pregnancy tests. I don’t know if I could have coped with that – and charting your fertility is easy and free. You can do it on paper or online (fertility friend is a good site).

I only hope we get such good results the next time around, but I plan to stop caffeine, maintain weight loss (when I get there. Thirteen more pounds to go till I can eggshare, but I’d like to lose at least 28 more.), take prenatal vitamins, and all the other fertility stuff I need to refresh myself on by rereading Ms. Brill’s book.

Please don’t hesitate to let me know if you have questions. I am happy to help.

I still love babywearing…even if the afterparty is a bit tough on my knees.

Anonamama hosts a surprise tandem babywearing dance party! All the attendees had fun.

That’s FORTY FOUR pounds of baby strapped to me!!!

A day in the life.

I’ve got the nausea, the dry heaving, the headache, the fatigue. Only thing missing is the baby in my womb. Seriously.

Last night was unholy. Unholy. TMD left work a bit early as I was barfing up cauliflower cheese grills and Snort was inconsolable. Both have had raging fevers the past few days. Squirty poops coming back, Coco vomiting, Snort listless and whiny.

Took awhile for him to settle last night.

I should pause here to say we never used ‘cry it out’ methods, but Coco and Snort go down easily for naps and bed. They only wake in the night if they need something. You know, like to SCREAM in pain.

Snort was up at 11 pm screaming. Raw throat screaming. We dosed him up with more meds, but essentially he was awake from 11 pm – 6am. He would be thrashing and screaming (yes, I know I keep using this word over and over, but ‘crying’ doesn’t cut it) for about 90 minutes, then sleep for 30-60 minutes, then back up.

Coco slept through all his screams, except when she got up to – you guessed it – scream for 90 minutes of her own. TMD put them both in slings and marched like a zombie soldier up and down the room, singing, while I sat and shivered/melted on the couch, head in hands.

It was the worst night we have had since they were born. TMD slept not at all. I probably got an hour or so.

We ‘got up’ at 6 – as if we’d been sleeping – to get everything ready for a crack-of-dawn trip to the doctor. Snort was given tongue depressors to play with, a very worried Coconut had Bunny’s chest listened to with a stethoscope, and home we are again.

The diagnosis is viral infections times two, coupled with Snort’s teething. I’m going to be keeping an eye on the poor kid, because he is definitely not himself. Coco, despite puke and red ears, is still dancing and singing. Snort is begging to be held,  screaming if I leave the room, etc.

My plan for today is Casual Day.

Fuck. At this point Snort woke up from his nap, only 30 minutes in. He’s been screaming for an inconsolable 15 minutes.

20 minutes. None of my usual techniques are working. When they were younger babies, I had to consciously relax my body when they were both crying. I do believe that the stress a parent has is communicated through body language and can make a baby’s crying worse. So I’m pretty good at offering a soft, warm, soothing holding experience to the babies.

I’m also good at controlling them with the power of my singing voice. I do believe my voice was my biggest ‘weapon’ in terms of dealing with two babies at the same time. That and slings.

He’s finally accepted a bottle, so pray he goes back to sleep.

ANYWAY. Casual Day. No big meals, as they aren’t interested while sick, really. Going to just spread a picnic blanket on the floor multiple times and offer small snacks throughout the day. Our first course of cream cheese on toast with oat milk in a beaker went down okay.

I think Domino’s may get involved.

Going to press ‘submit’ as for all I know, he’ll be screaming again when this bottle is finished.

TMD is working late tonight and I am trying not to let The Fear take over me. I ordered an awesome Sesame Street DVD with an Amazon gift certificate I had. No doubt the fucker won’t show up today. They LOVE Elmo and muppety type things. Anyone who wants to copy us a DVD or two and mail it, you can have my address.

Hell, anyone who doesn’t fear viral infections and wants to come over and eat pizza with us today, you can have my address.  Any takers?

And so it begins….again.

Today I sent an email to the head IVF nurse at our fertility clinic. She’d emailed me awhile back – you may remember that the woman who received my eggs last time wanted to be paired with me if I did IVF again. I wrote to say I would be delighted to be paired with her, and that we were beginning to think about having a second pregnancy.

Questions I asked – what is the BMI range for eggsharing? I know there is an upper limit from last time, but can’t remember what it is. I know I’m probably over it, but I wouldn’t want to get pregnant when I’m this overweight, anyway.

I also asked them to send us all the updated paperwork – what screening tests I would need, the costs of all precedures, etc.

Finally, I asked about the availability of our donor’s sperm. I would love to use the same donor.  And not just because my genes appear to have TROUNCED his in most every department – Coconut looks identical to my grandmother, while Snort is identical to my cousin (genetic ‘brother’ …do you know that creepy story yet?). Most of the boys in our family are tall and fair. Most of the women are short and dark (the exception being my sister and I).

I don’t know. Nothing is set in stone, here.

But I do find myself wondering how I would handle all the monitoring appointments with twin toddlers in tow. I imagine I’d leave them in the waiting room with TMD – if she’d be able to attend. It might be a very different pregnancy altogether, simply because there are already two little tykes to have to attend to. I think I’d be okay with that.

I pretty much already know what to expect, at least on the fertility side of things. I would need her there for the egg collection, though. Who wants to babysit my kids sometime next year at a minute’s notice? C’mon, any volunteers? They are a bundle of fu-un..

If you are my friend on facebook, please mention none of this on there. I don’t plan on saying ANYTHING until we are in the second trimester of this as yet invisible pregnancy. (But I keep picturing myself updating my facebook status – how gross is that? I’m more excited about the status update than, say, the pregnancy test.)

I really need to keep focused on the weight loss. Whether we go down the route of having a third child naturally or not, being a healthy version of me is a good thing. It’s tough this week as I’m not feeling great, the kids are not feeling great, and everything is closed due to half-term so we’re in the house all week. Good for having some isolated get well time, bad because I run around like a fiend at playgroup and that may be why I am losing weight.

So. Now you are all up to date.

Except the one thing you don’t know – I am back to watching ‘A Baby Story’ every day and sobbing when the baby is born. I did this before my last pregnancy. Just saying.

Snort is WALKING?!?!

So this morning Snort rocked it out. How? He was stood by me, facing the couch. He took a step. Of course, I was suitably wowed. This was his first independent step, and he has been very wary of moving without the safety of things to hang on to.

I was holding the back of his shirt, not pulling or pushing, and he didn’t know I was doing that. So I was waiting for a fall after this step, when all of a sudden he took another four or five steps without breaking stride, getting himself easily to the couch! That’s my baby boy!!

He took a few steps to TMD’s step-father about an hour later, but nothing else today. Coconut is very confident on her feet now and was just pacing back and forth last night for the joy of walking.

Snort’s brain is growing right along with his newfound walking abilities! A few minutes ago he was holding the tv leg with his right leg, a babydoll with the left, and was trying to get over to the bookcase. He couldn’t quite reach – so what does he do? Put the baby in his mouth, transfer his weight and lean. Once he had secure hold of the shelves, he let go of the tv leg and took the baby out of his mouth with his other hand.

These kids never stop wowing me.

I want another one.

29 pounds lost!!!

Lost a pound this past week! So I’ve lost weight every single week except the one where I was sick, where I stayed the same. Have to say I’m doing even better than I did when I lost 60 pounds on Weight Watchers a few years ago. Don’t want to jinx things, though!

I may have been lined up to loose more, before I had beer and nachos on Saturday for lunch. But I’m not a big drinker at all – basically don’t drink – and suddenly my mouth was like, ‘Head? Can you order me a beer, please?’ And it was goooood. No regrets here.

I think part of being successful is not living like a nun.

Or is that just me justifying things?!? Heh.

At any rate, I am well and truly off the walking horse. Most of last week was spent really, really tired – still getting over The Sick. And today I appear to have re-caught it. Spent all day taking my vitamins and echinacea and lying in bed, so hoping that helps stave things off. Otherwise this is my third time getting sick in like six weeks.

I tend to think it’s because I spent two years living a hermit’s existence in my lounge (one year twin pregnancy, one year new twins!) and now I’m around 50 toddlers and their dripping noses three times a week.

Anyway.

The nice side effect of this weight loss is that I just posted a bunch of pictures from June/July on Facebook and was shocked by how big I looked! I definitely look much smaller now. Perhaps will post some comparison pics here. My trousers are also getting obviously too big – suddenly a zillion times longer, and slung low around my hips. I actually like wearing trousers that are too loose, so this is a welcome development.

The terrifying thing is that I only own one pair of trousers suitable for going out in public. The upside is that when I bought this (perfect, wonderous) pair of trousers, I knew I would have a great love affair with them and also bought them the next size down in anticipation of losing weight Some Day.

Turns out that Some Day is now.

I like me.

I like me because I got locked in a bathroom today and
I laughed and laughed and laughed.
I said, ‘At least I’ve got water
and a toilet.’

I like me because I have fun chasing my two year old
niece in public on my tip toes while
cackling like a witch
and proclaiming to all and sundry that
I’M GOING TO GET HER!!! while she laughs so
hard she snorts and squeals.

I like me because sometimes when one of my
kids has a
snotty nose I wipe under it with my finger
and then wipe it on my sock.

I like me because when my son climbs up onto
a mini piano stool to bang on a mini piano,
I lunge for a camera
and joke,
‘This picture was taken two minutes before he
broke his leg,’
and then even though I keep laughing on the outside,
I get a little worried on the inside,
but take the picture anyway.

I like me because I have a big heart. Because
I have a big brain. Because I keep on letting
dreams grow even though so many times
they wither,
like my candy corn crops on farmville.
Good thing I have a big supply of
unwither to go with my
big supply of hope.

I like me because I like sleeping naked,
because pregnancy seems to have permanently
fucked up my ankles and made them chubby,
but I have some gooooood pairs of socks that
make it all okay.

I like me because I like having fun,
I like scary movies,
I like being me even when that means that
I am wearing a big purple coat
and dancing with my babies in a coffee shop
and letting small fingers push
blueberries into my mouth
and

I don’t care if they drop on my clothes.
I like my stains. I like my imperfections.

I like me.

Because.

Me, I mean – The Tunnel Monster Who
Chases Babies And Eats Them For
Breakfast.

Stalking, it’s not just for amateurs anymore.

Okay, so. I’m not even a good stalker, nor do I aspire to be. But I accidentally stalked a few people yesterday.

First up, this girl who directed our camp a few people after I/we did. I run a facebook group for alumni of the camp. She posted a link to a blog she had started focusing on summer camp – so of course I clicked it. It was an easy hop from there to find her personal, top secret blog.

So of course I clicked.

Damn, kids. Lesson number one. You’re on wordpress? You need to post from a central anonymous account or only your ONE blog. If you have a personal blog, be careful if you open another professional one on the same account. Chances are some idle stalker will find it.

Next up? I spent some pleasant time on facebook looking for my ex girlfriend. Which morphed into looking at my ex boyfriend’s picture – again. Which quickly turned into, ‘Hey, I wonder if the guy I dated before this guy who was best friends with him is on facebook?’ Turns out he is. And so is his wife.

Her profile is not private.

So I now know that the weirdo half cartoon character with the extremely small penis has managed to knock his wife up, and they are expecting a daughter.

I don’t even want to find this shit. It finds me.

If I opt for a new career at some point, it may involve being a social media stalker. Imagine how fun it could be.

And, actually, one of my oldest friends (Hi, you-know-who-you-are!) does have a job stalking people on facebook. As near as I can tell, she hunts down people who have warrants out for their arrest and reads their profiles to figure out where the hell they are. Or something like that.

I would be so good at that. And it seems ideally suited to at home working, no?

NEXT CAREER.

I love my hair!

Have you seen the Sesame Street video of the unnamed little puppet who is singing about how much she loves her hair?

A few days ago I read about this video on another blog – at the same time a friend was posting the video on my facebook page. You see, I’d asked for ideas about Coconut’s crazy curly hair.

Well, this video is amazing for three reasons.

One, it sends a powerful message to little girls who are Afro-Caribbean. This little puppet embraces her curly, wonderful, fabulous natural hair. Now, I’m not black – while my pictures are headless, presumably you’ve seen I’ve got white arms.

But I’ve worked with families where very young children are having bleach rubbed into their skin to lighten it, where unbelievably young girls are losing their hair due to overprocessing – trying to straighten it. And it’s their parents doing these things.

In a world where majority culture (of any kind) is flooding our media, no wonder it inundates our sense of self.

The next reason this video is awesome?? The self-esteem this little girl has!

All little girls – and boys – are sent messages all the time about the best way to be. Thin. Hip. Precocious. It’s easy to see why so many children and young people are struggling to love themselves.

This video? The girl is rocking out one of her characteristics that mainstream society might not relish – her kinky, curly, black hair. Everytime I watch it I smile, wishing this self-joy and happiness for all of us – adults included.

Final reason? The backstory. The head writer of Sesame Street is a dad to a five year old girl who was adopted. He’s Italian American, she’s African American. She’s playing with dolls and wishing she had long, blonde, bouncing hair.

Her dad found this worrying, so wrote the song for her. He used it to tell her all the things he loves about her hair. This one act of parental love has inspired children and adults across the world.

That sort of power speaks to me – feeling passionately about something on a personal level, and using that motivation to impact the larger community.

So, you want to see the video? Watch. Learn. Let the happiness of this anonymous Muppet reach out to you and help you discover love for the parts of you that you are tempted to dislike.