Moving forward with determination and hope.

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The post I just wrote is true. I don’t want to take away from how low I am feeling. But I also don’t want to take away that this is hopefully just a setback in my life. My physical problems now are opening my mind and heart to new experiences, new ways to see the world, new ways to be grateful for what I have.

New ways to be courageous.

I have begun seriously studying Nichiren Buddhism again, and taking courage and strength from what I learn. I need to work in time to practice, because in this Buddhism, in the ‘Buddhism of daily life’ and humanism, there is a belief that I can change this situation. We all have self-responsibility and power and choice.

I need to build my wisdom, courage, and compassion – particularly my compassion towards myself. I am full of self-doubt and blaming my body, but look what my body has given me:

Daisaku Ikeda said a few things in a speech that sort of felt arrowed at me and this situation. (And for clarification, ‘prayer’ in these quotes refers to chanting, though also the courage to take tangible actions to improve your life.)

Prayer – It is the courage not to give up. It is a struggle to banish cowardice within your life that keeps haunting you, ‘I can’t do it.’ ‘My present circumstances can be changed. Surely it can!’ Prayer is an endeavour to engrave this conviction in the depths of your life.

Prayer – It is to destroy fear. It is to banish sorrow. It is to ignite hope. It is a revolution to re-write destiny. Believe in yourself! Never look down upon yourself! Because despising yourself is equivalent to going against Buddhism. It is a degradation of the Buddhahood in your own life.

Prayer – It is a challenge to fit the gear in your own life with the motion of the universe. It is an exciting drama to embrace the universe, turn the entire cosmos into your ally, reverse the situation and begin directing your life towards happiness.

Without SPD, I never would have been on bedrest so early, and I fully believe all the rest is a huge component to how long I stayed pregnant. My babies also got every little calorie I ate. SPD was a benefit in terms of having full term, singleton sized babies.

It has served its purpose, and now I am ready for it to go.

Just talked to Osteo again, she was very encouraging and reassuring. Also suggested I use a short woven wrap to help bind my pelvis, so am currently sporting my lovely purple Till around my hips.

I can do this.

My body can do this.

But I reserve the right to feel what I feel, and then move forward the best way I can. So much of this problem is about waiting. I can do that, though, right? I waited 38 weeks to meet Snort and Coconut, I can do anything.

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4 Responses to “Moving forward with determination and hope.”

  1. Winnie Says:

    You are fabulous. I’m so proud of your attitude and your determination to overcome this. Your babies are adorable, and I can’t wait until they start walking and you get to chase after them before they climb all over the TV! :)

  2. Christy Says:

    I thought about studding Buddhism once or twice and after reading what you have hear it sounds even more interesting.

    I love that babywearing has come to the rescue again in a very non-traditional way.

  3. Christine LaRocque Says:

    That is beautiful, a lesson for all of us. You CAN do it, of that I am certain. You have the right attitude and the right motivation. I’m pulling for you!

  4. catsandcradles Says:

    I think feeling what you feel and then moving forward is a delicate (and valuable) skill, but from what I can tell, you seem to be doing pretty well at it. I sometimes find it too easy to either get caught up in what I feel at any given moment, and to view it as unchanging and unchangeable, or to try to fast forward to a better time in the future, without being where I am now. I do believe you will come out on the other side of this, and when you do, you’ll be a stronger person for having done so.

    On an unrelated note, would you mind if I e-mailed you?

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