Archive for September, 2009

AMAZE.

September 30, 2009

The word ‘amaze’ has been rolling around in my head for a good few days now. It’s what I want to do, it’s what I want to be. Amazing, amazed.

If you look at the word long enough, it starts to make your eyes go squiffy. Your brain starts wondering just what it means. And perhaps this is how it works, looking at it with a long, slow, sideways glance. A little lazy, even. Just keeping your mind and emotions open to the wonderous, the mundane, and something that which is both. Allowing yourself to take it all in.

That’s not enough for me, though. Perhaps it should be, but it just isn’t. Anything beautiful and inspiring gives me an odd feeling: aside from the predictable feelings anyone might have, it causes a little nibble of ache in my heart. I could be doing that, why aren’t I doing that, I am so capable of that. Ordinary life sometimes disappoints me.

A friend asked if I was signed up for NaNoWriMo this year. It made me laugh, initially. Nano doesn’t happen till November. It is still September. There are people all over the world writing plot lines, getting their coffee pots ready, geeking out in the most adorable way possible. And me? I’m like, shit, that’s November. Besides, shouldn’t writing be every day?

I don’t know who I am to judge, though, as it has been a long time since I’ve written a novel. Too long. I am now imagining that Nano might be a nice opportunity to teach me how to maintain steady writing (other than this blog and twitter!) with two newborns in the picture. I haven’t written any fiction since my pregnancy took a turn for the painful, and since the babies have been here it hasn’t quite been the last thing on my mind, but it’s been the last thing on my list of priorities.

I want to amaze myself more than anything else. I don’t know why I am not suitably amazed that I have seven week old twins and am doing just fine. I guess I AM amazed by that, but also worry that it could all go to shit in about 20 seconds. And sometimes it does, but mostly I am just tired tired tired. Wanting more me time than is allowable, head often threatened with a sleepy, slow nightmare headache, warm bodies snuggled against me. Today I have one baby in his cot, one baby in a bouncer at my feet (why aren’t you awake? It is time to eat!), one brain suspended somewhere between the two. One body glued to the couch, heavy and exhausted.

Amaze, amaze, amaze. What can I do to amaze myself today? This is a question I don’t want to be afraid to ask.

More news on the smiling front.

September 29, 2009

This morning Snort has been smiling and smiling away – at the side of the tv. The leg holding the tv up, to be exact. Both Snort and Coconut have been strangely obsessed with this, turning their heads to stare for huge chunks of time at the tv stand, entranced.

This morning Snort was having quite a detailed conversation with it – frowning, smiling, smiling, laughing (!), burbling, staring. TMD sat down by him in an effort to see if he would smile at her, but he refused to break eye contact with the tv. I got some great pics. (Of course.)

Neither of us has chatted about the fact that our son appears to be in love with a mechanical object, while his two moms are busy dancing their hearts out, smiling, and making lots of eye contact. Nothing compares to the shiny metal. Half human, half crow. (Crows are the ones who go for shiny things, or is that magpies?)

Babyvision.

September 28, 2009

Coconut and Snort both follow my every movement with their eyes. And if I move slightly out of range? BOOM. They turn their heads and keep on staring. And staring.

It’s like being on Big Brother, but without the hope of winning a sizable cash prize in a fixed number of weeks.

Push it real good.

September 28, 2009

We’ve had those lovely, but gassy, baby smiles for a few weeks now – particularly from Coconut. On a few occasions, I have wondered if they were real smiles….usually this was followed by her puking on me, or pooping everywhere. Today, though, holy crapamoli.

I was holding her. She was all cosied up from feeding and cuddles. I made my mouth open and close very slowly like a fish. Cue baby smile. I did the fish thing again. Another baby smile. At this point, I got a little interested. More fish, and then a BIG baby smile, including squinting eyes (my mother and I both squint like crazy when we smile – we lose our eyes). I was wondering if this was it. It seemed a more social smile (or series of smiles, I should say), though of course she had just eaten and was sleepy.

Then Snort started screaming to be fed, and I had to put Coconut down without more smiling experimentation. I guess this is a downside of multiples. I HAVE taken some killer pictures of a particularly hectic twenty minutes though. Will post those soon.

First day alone is going really, really well! Have done laundry, made bottles, talked to Aussie for 525920 minutes, and..oh yeah…kept two babies alive. Am hooked up to the TENS machine and haven’t turned it off yet. Only thing I feel bad about is lack of one-to-one time and playing. Also making them live in the bouncy chairs – I know it’s not good for their spines, but TMD made me promise. It’s hard to move around today, really hard, and the priority is keeping me well enough to be able to walk around with a baby in my arms.

On a side note, I may be becoming immune to baby crying. Facial expressions, especially now that real tears are making an appearance, kill me. But crying? I barely hear it. This is a relief as I remember a fateful multiples antenatal class where the instructor played a CD of one baby crying and I almost jumped out of my skin. The glorious, and terrible, thing about facial expressions and baby awareness: the way Snort looks straight at me, expecting me to help him out, while I am feeding Coconut. He just fixes me in his stare – sometimes seeing me and having me talk from a distance can settle him, though it mostly unsettles me.

Been listening to hip hop & r&b today, and have to say that it enables me to get a kick ass rhythm going when I am kicking a bouncy chair to keep it moving. Also, one of the babies had their little fist out last night, and I put my fist against it and went ‘boom.’ I explained this was how all the cool kids said hello (the fist punching, not the booming). I am raising little gangsters….but cute gangsters.

I like (these).

September 28, 2009

(Katie – replied to your comment on the last entry! Everyone else – may start replying to comments again if you ask specific questions. Just a general FYI.)

My back is all crack a lack. So is my crotch. This is due to some ‘adventurous living’ this weekend (you know, buying some nipple teats and walking to the car with crutches). TMD is going to chance it and go to work anyway. WISH ME LUCK being on my own – especially with the dodgy SPD. Not going to do anything that isn’t directly related to keeping the babies or myself alive today.

(Just because I don’t want Mil here doesn’t mean I think I am Superwoman. I reserve the right to NOT be, in fact.)

THESE are our passport photos, Moms?

September 27, 2009

IMG_1894

(Also, I am my mother. Check out the fabric of our inherited, groovy couch. Who says the 70s are dead?)

I won’t tell if you don’t.

September 26, 2009

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Two things:

September 26, 2009

Look over on the right. I have updated both pages, if you are the sort of person who is interested in that sort of thing. I am, but then it is all about me.

I am bleeding like a stuck pig, if you are the sort of person who is interested in that sort of thing. I am, but only in a hypochondriac sort of way. Like – is my internal scarring ripping? Why is it so tender? Why is my pee pee bleeding like a period? Doesn’t my body know it has been six weeks?

Christ. Mil here.

(This is third entry of the morning. Read back.)

Three words.

September 26, 2009

Routine: I laugh.

6 weeks 4 days after giving birth, an update.

September 26, 2009

Today is day one of Gina Ford’s twins routine – TMD’s baby for the day is Snort, and I’ve got Coconut. Tomorrow we swap. The idea is that we follow the routine, but it’s more gentle for the babies because the one who is waiting has someone there to soothe him/her. Don’t know how we’ll get on with this routine, but are going to do it the whole weekend. I really, really wish Mil wasn’t going to be here today.

I’m reading a Winnicot book (perhaps all my counselling training shall soon rear its ugly head in regards to the psychological development of babies), and it is making me more and more ready for her to be gone! We are not going to let her feed today, because it takes her upwards of an hour (or more) per baby, what with the copious and mental winding.

The other thing I’ve done this morning (as TMD is shhing and soothing away in the bedroom, convincing the babies that yes, we really do think they should have a snooze) is dig out my old Weight Watchers book. I did the little quiz to see how many points per day I should be eating. I’m not saying I’m going weight-crazy or anything, but I am thinking about how to make sure I am eating enough of the right foods. Pregnancy and early parenthood have fucked with me. I also weighed myself, just out of curiousity.

I am exactly the same weight as I was when I started Weight Watchers a few years ago. For those of you newish to the blog, I lost about 60 pounds then. I find it odd (and exciting?) that I weigh the same now. Perhaps it is a good omen, and all things considered, I did pretty well considering it was twins! When I checked out of the hospital, I was 19 pounds lighter after giving birth. (I gained 50 pounds exactly during pregnancy….yes, from a higher weight than my final WW one. Shoot me.) I have also lost 5 pounds since coming home – probably due to the fact that I exist on cereal and diet coke.

I know a major part of my recovery is going to be fitness. Pilates is on the agenda – like I have time to pop in a DVD and exercise? I need to strengthen my core muscles to help my back and hips. My pelvis is still jackity wackity, and I DO NOT want to have surgery (though I will start asking questions if I reach 6 months post-partum and am still all broken). Bottom line: I need to be able to walk, so I can push the pram in case we need to go to the doctor’s or whatever. I may not be able to do a load of muscle exercises now, though I am dutifully doing what the physio has proscribed, but losing some weight would make it easier on my joints as well.

And let’s not forget my legs: after sevenish months of not walking, it has been difficult to move around the flat. My legs are finally feeling normal and like they can support my body, so yay!

Anyway.

Snort is now out of bed and in his bouncer in the nice, bright lounge. Oh, Gina.


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