27 weeks 5 days pregnant with the twins!!

Hey, everyone. Sorry for the appalling lack of updates. I just haven’t felt like turning on the laptop – perhaps this is a worrying new pregnancy symptom?

Just a short update today, as this laptop is on the table and it is killing me to sit upright! We went to a daylong multiples antenatal class yesterday (which was fabulous!) but it totally broke me as I haven’t sat upright that long in approaching ten weeks. Last night was pretty bad pain (cue ribs and crotch), and I finally ended up on the couch with poor TMD sleeping on the floor behind the couch in case I woke up in pain – didn’t realise she did this until this morning. Lovely of her.

Lots to update, including another trippy trip to the hospital. Both babies are fine, no worries. I just hadn’t felt Mano move one day, so went in for monitoring. That was AWESOME, let me tell you. Huge belts stretched very tight against the bump – one monitor (a little circle thing held in place by the straps) per baby, and a third monitor for contractions. I had to press one of the monitors down to get Mano (suspect he is transverse again. sigh)….have you seen that episode of Friends where Chandler gets The Claw from playing too much Pac-Man? Yeah. I got The Cripple Hand from pressing down on this circle so firmly for an hour.

In other news, I was the only crippled up preggo at the twins antenatal class yesterday, aside from a HUGELY pregnant girl (from my country of origin – perhaps we just make big bumps and this country makes more reserved, proper looking bumps?) who was 32 weeks. She had itsy bitsy SPD in her crotch. My smile went plastic when she complained about how much it hurt – as she is tottering around in tiny little sandals and STILL working. No crutches for her folks….and no wheelchair either. I suspect I am nearing wheelchair status. Anyway.

There were three or four other women who were also 27 weeks, or maybe up to 29. My bump DOMINATED theirs. Everyone kept looking at my stomach and coming up in breaks and things to say, ‘How far along are you?’

I don’t know whether I am happy or worried that I am like some sort of Yeti belly while everyone else looked like they were having only one child. Hrrmm. (Or if I am like, HAHA you little small bellies!! I am going to produce babies with healthy birthweights!!! Muhahahahah.)

Okay, need to go. Can’t sit up any longer!!! Thank you to all for the lovely comments, sorry I have not replied as of yet. Have bump pictures from last week, pics from the hospital trip, and hopefully will take more pics today – will definitely aim to get those bump pics up ASAP.

I possibly should have taken pictures of my feet/ankles as well, because if I didn’t know better I would think I was ALSO pregnant with additional babies in those locations. (Jesus – the other day both feet went totally blue with only blotchy pink/skin coloured bits. Fucked up! I also threw up. Apparently the sun is no longer my friend and I get all fake heat stroked easily. Convenient as this is supposed to be a bad mamma jamma summer.)

Love to all, and to all a good day!

—–

Crappy crap. Just reread this and realised I want to blog about one more thing before I forget it. Or at least jot it down as a reminder. Yesterday we were given little babies to change diapers (the teacher had squirted what looked like pureed curry all over the inside of the diapers and on the babies. Yum.), and while she was handing them out, she put on a CD of a wailing baby. Loud.

This was on for maybe a minute maximum, and while there was some nervous laughter, you could read the panic on everyone’s faces. We were all thinking, And that is only ONE baby crying. I almost found listening to that CD unbearable. Is this worrying?

Okay, this is really the end for now. My crotch has fallen out and is looking up at me pathetically from the floor, so I suppose I should go rescue her.

My first true multiple orgasm..s.

I’m here, I’m alive.

This is super short as TMD is helping run a bath for me. I just wanted to let all you curious bystanders know that two days ago during our daytime nap I had multiple dream-gasms. I woke up to hardcore contractions (still painless) that took an hour to subside.

My dream self actually rang up the national helpline in order to press medical professionals for confirmation that sex was/wasn’t okay. Sneaky bitch!!

The contractions were sort of scary and since then, no dream-gasms. The night after the nap, dream self tried for more sex, but some more sane part of me slapped her ass away from the sex because my uterus was already starting to contract.

This may be the end of the dream-gasm as we know it, though I have just given TMD a very detailed plotline of Flowers in the Attic and I know that book certainly got the juices of a much younger me going.

Anyway.

Pregnancy makes me feel like I imagine a guy trapped alone on a submarine for thirteen months would feel when he got ashore and saw a naked woman for the first time.

Last night I went to sleep feeling a bit randy, shall we say.

Sometime before dawn I had a sexy dream and had an orgasm (not uncommon for me, but more common when I am pregnant). I haven’t had a dream orgasm since the No Sex rule was introduced – not that my dream self hasn’t tried. But dream TMD reminds me time and time again that I am not allowed to have orgasms this far into our twin pregnancy.

So, this orgasm. I woke up to my uterus contracting, hard. My entire bump sort of shrunk and went harder than the hardest thing you can imagine. I sleepily thought, Well, fuck. I’ve had an orgasm. Feel how hard my stomach is. Damn my dream self. I wonder if it will…. and then fell back asleep.

Woke up a few hours later and was pleased to feel my tum was back to its normal self. Interesting that I spend time lying on my side, fingertips against my bump, wondering how the fuck I am supposed to feel ‘tightenings’ when my bump is always the same.

(I do think I have painless Braxton-Hicks some evenings, when it feels like the bump has saran-wrapped itself to the babies, but not entirely positive…)

I think my dream-gasm showed me that if I have a strong contraction, there’s really no mistaking it. So that’s one good thing that has occured from my unconscious self getting jiggy. Bad unconscious self. You naughty, naughty girl.

*rrrwwwoooaaarrrrr*

The longest entry in the world?

Ooh, isn’t the world just one big circle? I got a few comments about names, and I felt inspired to write a name entry. You read it, and then you were inspired to comment!! I usually try to respond personally to every comment and am sure I will get around to it, but for now wanted to write about midwife visit before I forgot anything. Not that there is anything much to report – which is a good thing!!

TMD is home today, love love joy.

She was working from home for a couple of hours, and then supposed to take a train to The City and attend some workshop. Unfortunately for her (but fortunately for me!) she has a booming headache and feels like shit. So she is working from home the whole day. She has actually accomplished more than she would were she at work, and I know from my point of view that playing DS Lite is better when you have your wifey in the same room. She even took me to the midwife during her lunch hour.

The midwife today (the one who talked about lesbianism and orgasms last time) asked us today how we decided who would carry the babies. TMD now thinks the midwife is trying to become a practicing lesbian and wants us to be her instructors. She may be right.

ANYWAY.

My blood pressure still perfectly normal. The top number (have no clue what it means) is about 25 points higher than when I booked, but the bottom number is only 7 points higher. The midwife says the bottom number is the one they pay attention to, and if that ever jumps 20-25 points higher than it originally was, then ‘they get excited.’ IE preeclampsia, I assume. My urine was free from sugar, infection, and protein.

It was also FULL of….stuff. I used my new funnel urine collector (and really enjoyed it) today and when I lifted the urine sample to unscrew the funnel, I noticed The Stuff. Like lots of white things floating around. The midwife ‘let it cook’ with the stick in it, so she possibly thought something was up – normally they dip the test stick in and read it instantly. Apparently whatever the white stuff is, I’m still fine.

Anyone know about thrush and pregnancy? I only ask because I have NEVER had globs of stuff in my urine samples before, unless you count menstrual blood. (Speaking of blood, my poop got stuck this morning. And when it finally came out, there was as much blood on the toilet paper as poo. Yes. I know you wanted to know.)

The other big news is that the midwife says both babies are headdown!! I had been wondering about Torre for a couple of days, as her kicks were higher. Well, the midwife felt both heads (Torre’s feels like a big ass apple and was a bit uncomfy for her to push on, Mano’s wasn’t uncomfy and wasn’t that noticeable.) and said she thought they were headdown. She then whipped out her doppler -

break for a related newscast: because we have a doppler at home, we hear their heartbeats maybe once a week. Therefore, this is not a new thing that only happens once a month. Therefore, I feel like we do not exude the tearful joy that the midwives expect to see when parents hear the heartbeats of their children.

and Torre’s heartbeat was much lower than usual. Freakishly so. Mano’s, on the other hand, was perhaps higher than his usually is. She said Torre was lower down than Mano – what what? Perhap’s Torre’s big apple head will keep Mano from going transverse again? It also means that lots of the shifting type movements I have felt down low and assumed was Mano stretched across the bottom of the bump has actually been both babies. Join me in the chant: stay headdown, children o’ mine!!!

Headdown headdown
goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
headdown!

In the meantime, the crazy paintworks are still going on. The carpet guy also came round last night and left some samples with us. Seeing carpet on big squares is funny – we’ve essentially got The Bathmat, The Outdoor Welcome Mat, and The Doormat. Neither of us wants the bathmat stuff. But TMD likes this crazy ass wicker-looking carpet, which, according to Carpet Guy, is ‘the height of fashion right now.’ Excuse me while I yawn.

I am going to rub my inner elbows on both samples because I think her crazy woolen choice is not the nicest for little baby feet and knees. I think it looks attractive and all, but who wants a high fashion house floored with endless metres of rough carpet? I’ll take boring and cosy any day.

At any rate, because TMD is here and working right by the bedroom door, I have been able to lie down all day with no worries of having to jump up and talk to the decorator. As luck would have it, he hasn’t been knocking on the door a million times like he normally does. I just want all these various home improvement men to be done and out of the house – no more horrid paint smells, no moving shit around, no piles of shit shoved into our room and the twins’ room.

I am in the mood to THROW EVERYTHING OUT. Get rid of it all. Our lounge looks like a fucking show home with just the furniture and nothing else in it. All you need to be glam is some empty bookshelves and a dying plant or two. I don’t want to fill it with bullshit again! But I know how I am. As soon as TMD starts showing me shit to be recycled/donated/etc I will freak out and say I don’t want to get rid of it.

Get rid of it, get rid of it…………..
goooooooooooooooooooo
getridofit!

Naming babies.

I was reading through comments on the last few entries (yes, I am still locked in my bedroom hiding from the racist builder and desperate for diversion!!) and noticed that I had the strongest response to comments about names. So, names.

TMD and I have been talking about boys and girls names for a long time, having a particularly hard time with the boy side of things. We eventually decided to have shortlists (two good names per baby, though my mother suggests having a few more in case either baby was sexed incorrectly at the scan – probably a good point!) and naming them when we saw their little faces.

We decided not to share these shortlists for a couple of reasons:

One, we had semi-decided on names a long time ago. Now the original boy’s name has completely changed as TMD wants to vomit when she hears it, and the little girl’s name seems to have changed as well. We are indecisive like this and do not want to commit! Sharing names only to change them every few weeks seems a wee bit crazy.

Two, names seem to be what a lot of people are focusing on. Don’t get me wrong, I like to pester pregnant woman about names as well! But you hear these stories about people offering funny feedback (though sure most of our family and friends Would Not Dare) and don’t want to open ourselves up to everyone offering an opinion, suggestion, etc. Don’t get me wrong – if you have a GREAT boy’s or girl’s name, leave it in the comments! We have been too cheap to buy a baby names book and like to consider lots of options.

Three, my mother. You see, my family is sort of matriarchal. It is mostly comprised of a strong line of women at the core, generation after generation. The men (or women, in my case) marry into our family, but the women run the fucking show. There is no two ways about it.

An interesting side effect seems to be an inadvertent tradition that has popped up.  I’m not sure how far back it goes, as my great-grandparents were immigrants and we do not know anyone in their original country.  My grandmother’s middle name is her mother’s first name. My mother’s middle name is her mother’s first name. Things change up a little bit – I’m the firstborn girl, but my middle name is, well, just my middle name. It does happen to be another version of my great-grandmother’s name, but I don’t think that was intentional. My little sister’s middle name is our grandmother’s name.

So, you see, my mother’s first name has not been middle-named yet. She really, really wants her name included somehow. She hasn’t out and out said so, but every conversation includes suggestions of how her name could be incorporated. She now calls our little baby girl ‘Little [mom's name].’

This is awkward because, well, my mom’s name is pretty if you are living in the 1970s and enjoy flower power discos. Also, shortened versions of her name (which she continually offers as a suggestion) are an awkward thing for TMD and I – her shortened name is the name of a friend I had when TMD and I were going through a particularly rough time and we don’t really care to be reminded of it. Plus, it’s an unattractive name.

I also really want my grandmother’s name incorporated. If you read my blog around the time she died, you will have learned that she has had a monumental effect on me as a person. I hold her up as someone I want to be. She was brave, funny, a storyteller, and very very genuine. I had previously talked with TMD about naming the little girl my grandmother’s name.

Then as soon as we got pregnant, TMD confessed she didn’t like it as a first name – okay. So we decided on it as a middle name. (Are you bored or confused yet? Congratulations if you are still around at this point. Please forgive me for all the name waffling.) We also ‘decided’ on a first name – which just happens to be my paternal great-grandmother’s name. There is no connection here. Except, of course, my mom would probably be pissed that someone from That Side of the family was the baby’s first name.

Phew.

That name is still on our shortlist, but we feel pretty secure with yet another name we have picked. I really, really love my paternal grandmother’s name but think it will get left out completely. It sounds lovely as a middle name with the first name we’ve chosen, but it is more important for me to include my grandma’s name. Make sense?

We figure wait till the babies pop out, name ‘em, and everyone will just be so pleased to meet the newest additions to our family that no one will particularly give a flying fuck about their names. Except maybe my mom. But I might always have another little girl – and there is always my sister, if she decides to have children. And also, my mom totally broke the naming tradition of our family, so I am only following in her renegade footsteps.

I do like my mom’s name, I want to say. But really prefer one syllable, simple names for middle names. Especially as I think TMD’s last name will be the second middle name for both babies. She really doesn’t want to burden them with a double-barreled last name, and likes my last name more than hers. But I worry because I want her to be completely included and as the bio mom I already will be recognised in some spheres (ie immigration in my home country) as the ‘real’ mom and that’s bullshit! So definitely want her surname included in the mix.

Anyone still awake at this point?

25 weeks 4 days pregnant with twins – bump pictures!!

16 May – 25 weeks 4 days! Three days ago, for those who aren’t so good with the calender math.

This next picture isn’t the best bump profile shot, but it makes me laugh because it looks like I have a SHELF. You see it? Down where I am not holding the fabric of the shirt against the bump?

Other side, without shelf:

While I sit here and wait for the pictures to upload, I pass the time by watching my stomach. Yes, it is moving all over the place, and not just from giant kicks – it appears Torre is just shifting around in there. This results in gentle, tiny, wavelike movements that are clearly visible even though I have both a belly bra AND a shirt on. I don’t often see Mano’s shifting movements, as he is below my line of sight. I feel them, though. Aww. And awe.

WOW is my bump sticky outy.

Finally, I am debating about a series of bathtime shots. They are tastefully done, not like porno. I swear. But I am a wee bit leery of posting them. Perhaps I will put up just one, the only one showing only bump (essentially). This was taken on 12 May, so 25 weeks pregnant exactly. This is what my bump looked like (a week ago today) when I was flat on my back!

Still feel slightly funny about posting this, and now I wonder what the point is – because you can’t see the rest of my body for a comparison, can this actually be called a bump picture? I say yes, particularly as it is The Bump ™ up close and personal. I have another lovely, lovely picture TMD took which is a wider shot (hands over the relevant boobies and bushie) and I may have another of these taken closer to my due date.

Bathtime is quickly becoming a favourite of mine, not only because I am the least in pain in the bath. But it’s a time where I am on my back, looking at my bare stomach, and can really see the babies moving. It’s a very connecting sort of thing. Last night I also called them by their secret names (ie their ‘real names’ we think we have decided on. No, we aren’t telling. Don’t ask.) and that felt like some sort of magnificent miracle.

Almost seems too sacred or something, though, so for the most part we still call them Mano and Torre.

Aussie’s (love) letter.

Some time back (we’re talking years!), I wrote close friends and asked them to tell me why they loved me. During a specialist training on working with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse, it was suggested that it can be healing for people (and any person, I would suggest, not just those who were abused) to hear what makes them special to other people. It was said to only request friends to do this that were likely to respond, as otherwise it could end up being more hurtful than helpful. I have two gorgeous letters from Cookie and Chirp, which are still carefully tucked into a special envelope while I decide what to do with them.

A few days ago, I got this email from Aussie:

Hey,

I was thinking tonight about how I still haven’t written to you about what our friendship means to me.  It’s been a long time coming.  But I really hope you don’t take it to mean that what I write here is going to be brilliant….it will be just simply honest.

So let’s see…..where to start……..

Starting work at the old awesome [Day Job] was a scary prospect.  Especially as it seemed to me that people had begun bonding and I was apparently an urban myth.  When I think back to that time, it’s you who sticks out the most in my mind.  Not just because you totally freaked me with the whole yeah I’m married and my wife’s name is [TMD]!!!!  Still lovin how my face gave nothing away. ha!  I was so clueless.  It’s mostly because you always made an effort to include me and you felt genuine.  I sooo appreciated that.  I always felt really comfortable around you.  You make me laugh because you can often stress about social situations and meeting new people.  But in actual fact you have a wonderful ability to make people feel at ease and more able to just be themselves.  You’re never afraid to laugh at yourself and I think that is rare and beautiful.  It instantly makes anyone with a guard up lower it and relax.  I was rather overwhelmed when you phoned me and told me that you had spoken to H about my immigration issues because she had a friend who worked in the [government].  That was so kind of you and I’m quite sure you never thought anything of it.  Yet there I was having spent months at home on my own with no money and feeling depressed when you made such a friendly selfless gesture.  It meant a lot to me.

The main thing about you [Existere] is to me you are a piece of home.  That’s how much you mean to me.  And I know you know what kind of value a statement like that holds.  How you are reminds me so much of my friends and my life back home.  I can have the most frank discussions with you without any fear of judgement (well if judged at least you’ll tell me!).  You’re honest and I feel I can be upfront with you. I deeply respect you and how you live your life.  Your love for life and appreciation of even the smallest things energise me.  I love that upon hearing a crazy stupid song, we’ll all get up and dance our little impromptu dances.  Your horribly rude songs make me laugh so much.  I love that I’ve now seen all 3 High School Musicals and love them not just because laughing at Troy is fun but because of having watched them with you and taking it both seriously and appreciating the stupidness of it all.  I feel like I’m still a kid and treasure that feeling.  I can fart in front of you and poop at your house!  I’m never self conscious around you.

You’re a wonderful listener and advice giver.  You’re really good a scaring me!!!!  Not sure if that’s something I like or not hmmmmm.  I love wandering the streets in my pyjamas with you.  You have a great knack of making people and well me feel very special and unique.

You are a rarity Ms [Existere].  I thank God you came into my life.  You are my family and always will be.  You’ve played an important role in my life and I’m glad I’ve shared so many amazing fun filled times with you.  I really do treasure them.  And now with this new stage of life (eeck!)  I know how brilliant a mother you will be.  You already are.

I love you heaps….[my country] and [Aussie's country]!  (ok now the other side….both together….now the first one cause it wasn’t as hard as the other)

x

You can imagine what it felt like to receive this out of the blue when I was having such a hard week. It makes me want to put up Chirp’s and Cookie’s letters as well. Sometimes it is nice to be reminded that you are spectacular, shiny, and special. Okay, it’s ALWAYS nice, but sometimes it is a lifesaver.

26 weeks pregnant with twins…and all that goes with that. (Zits all over my forehead. NICE.)

Thank you all for the lovely comments on my SuperBump ™. I have a few more pics that were taken two days ago to upload – my bump appears to have grown a few inches overnight, and I don’t think it’s just me. It’s funny – about four/five days ago I was thinking that I had got used to the extra weight, that I sometimes forget I am pregnant, etc.

WRONG.

The night we took these pictures, I saw myself in the Belly Bra and my jaw was almost dislocated from the force of my mouth opening so wide. I am hesitant to say I have a big bump, because everytime I have thought that in the past I have learned a few weeks later that I had NO IDEA what ‘big’ was. No doubt this is a lesson I will continue to have.

I was going through my phone and deleting old text messages yesterday (and finding it an entertaining, worthwhile use of my time – you SEE what all these weeks at home have turned me into?!?) and found some texts I had sent waaaaaaaaaaay back when I was on crutches from the accident. Things like, ‘I’m on crutches and have a huge stomach and no one will offer me a seat. Stupid bastards!’ Etc. I look back now and want to shake myself. Huge bump? Make me fucking laugh, yo.

I am pregnant with twins and I am a superhero! Hardcore. Hardy.

Ha.

At any rate, I am hiding in my bedroom and will be for the rest of the week. At any moment a builder/painter guy is going to show up. We’re having the lounge, hall, and kitchen repainted – I will be hiding not just because that is what I would do if any workmen were in the house, not just because this particular guy is THE chattiest person I have ever met and when I am trapped in conversation with him I can only dream of escape, but because of the paint fumes.

We’ll see how my body likes sitting upright in the glider, as Marmite is dominating the bed at the moment.

And that’s the other thing. Yesterday I was lying on the couch, and I almost couldn’t get up. If I had been more sprightly, I would have said that I was flopping around like a fish out of water. Rather, I sort of lay there, rolling from side to side, hands moving about independent of my brain’s control, trying to find something to grab onto and pull me up. That was an interesting experience. It is now VERY difficult to get myself up off the couch.

I have also had a few nights of dodgy sleep  – escalating to terrible sleep, actually. Last night I found a new solution and it seemed to work, so here’s hoping. During my rearranging of pillows (or, rather, ordering TMD to Make The Bed Perfect Or Else) I confessed to her that I’m actually quite worried what the rest of pregnancy will be like. I mean, many people are my size right before they give birth. So when women who are heavily pregnant (38+ weeks?) complain about just wanting to get it over with and have the baby? Yes, my size or smaller.

I am 26 weeks pregnant today. Yikes, yowza, etc.

We have talked about the fact that once I reach about 36 weeks I will probably need TMD’s mum to come stay with me when TMD is at work. Simply because I don’t know if I’ll be able to move (SPD be damned, I’m talking merely about how huge I’ll be!!!), and I don’t know if I would be crazy or calm if my waters broke.

I am also thinking about the fact that I DO want the blog world to know when things are moving or shaking, and how I will manage to have that sorted out. Poor Tatiana might get an email asking if she wants to guest blog/update for me (hint, hint), though I still don’t know how she would know things were moving along. Plus, that pesky time difference is a WHORE.

Hmmm. Corporate T?

Anyway. Other news is Big Baby Shopping we did this weekend. Won’t write all about it, but will say we went into the town centre especially to look at a particular twin pushchair (‘travel system’ for the uninitiated) – and while we were in the store, a really nice couple with 8 month old twins came in….using that exact pushchair. They let us push their baby girls around (I also told the husband I wanted to kidnap them as they were so cute. How am I allowed in public??) so we could see what the pushchair was like with two babies in it.

While we were doing that, ANOTHER twin mom came in. This is a terrible thing to say,  but her two year old girls looked like they were from Village of the Damned. Very pale skin, see through blonde hair – I was just waiting for their eyes to light up red. We didn’t talk to that mom, possibly because her kids freaked us both out.

Please, let our kids be gorgeously cute, universe!!!

I love my bump muchly, even though I occasionally whack it with the fridge door when I open it (easy to do, actually). If the babies are as cute as the bump, we can all be hopeful. Other cute thing – they respond to TMD’s voice, particularly Mano. I do think he’s in a better position to be kicking, and he does move around a lot. Torre still quieter on the movement front, though her kicks are POWERHOUSES and occasionally make me scream in surprise.

Love to you all!

11 May – 24 weeks 6 days pregnant with the babies. Twin bump pics!

And because it’s been awhile since you’ve seen my nekkid belly, I will include some of those pics as well! Note the weird shape of my bump – I essentially have one baby above belly button (sort of) and one below. So it is like a double decker bump. I’m also interested by the dark line that wraps around my waist – it’s like a horizontal linea nigra. Not sure what this is, but suspect it is skin stretching. Still no stretch marks, though!

Oh, and that ‘bra’ I’m wearing? It’s a fucking exercise SHIRT!!

Fears.

Oh, god. Just reread yesterday’s venting and now I am crying again! How is it possible to feel this down and depressed when I am growing two lusciously gorgeous babies? I am beyond lucky to be pregnant with twins – on the first try, no less – and yet I just mope and mope.

I know this is part hormones, part feeling sick today, part being at home for seven long weeks. And still having so long left to wait – 12.5 weeks. I guess that isn’t actually that long, but it sure does feel long. And every time I wish it was already August, that the babies were already here, I feel guilty because I WANT Torre and Mano to stay put until 38 weeks are up.

I just feel easily overwhelmed. Joy wrote me with some simple requests for me to do – all things I already knew about and planned to do, but it feels like a ton of concrete has been dumped onto me.

And the root of all this? I AM TERRIFIED.

I am worried something will go wrong with one of the babies, both of the babies. I am so fucking scared of having these little people in me, that I am somehow going to screw it up because my body is having such a hard time coping. Reading about twin mommies who work till 36 weeks makes me feel like a fucking loser because I don’t even feel physically okay when I am lying down. Reading about people who lose their babies at 38 weeks makes me SO FUCKING FEARFUL because I’m only at 25 weeks.

What if something goes wrong? Where has my positive mental attitude gone?

During IVF I was so happy and confident. Now I’m just a fucking crazy, upset mess. Part of me is looking at me and wondering if I ought to be accessed for antenatal depression (despite clinically knowing one bad day does not depression make). Then I hear Kleinette’s old words in my ears – how quick I am to jump at the worst for myself, when in reality everything I’m feeling is totally normal and appropriate. What pregnant woman doesn’t worry?

I also worry that all my stressy nerves will hurt the babies. I don’t feel like this all the time. Not even most of the time. But for these minutes during the day when I wonder if I can bear to let myself love these babies in case something horrible happens, I feel like if I let myself really start crying I might never be able to stop.