I am not a number, I am a free man!

Spoke to mom today and let her know that her fiber bars have fucked me up. She laughed and told me Bear (stepdad) ate two in one day a few weeks ago and encouraged me to imagine what that did to his system. And people wonder why I talk about shit all the time?! My family is obsessed. Except poor Bear. No one must ever mention they know about this fiber bar catastrophe, as he is actually very private and easily embarassed.You think being married to my mother would have cured him of that, but noooOOOOoo.

I also meant to say a few weeks ago that we were talking about what life might be like once the babies were here. I think I said something about how four year olds are supposed to have shorter attention spans, like running around, and be playful. My mother then said, ‘Just don’t break their spirits.’

Um, what?

She proceeded to tell me that when I was three, my teacher told her that I was refusing to participate in singing a song.

‘Do you remember the tree song, Existere? You know – I am a tree, shake shake shake, apples fall down?’

No, Mom. I don’t.

Apparently I told her I would not sing the song because it was not true. I was not a tree, I was a person. She grabbed my arm, screamed at me to always do what the teacher said, and gave me a spanking.

Poor me! I was fucking right, as well. I’m not a tree, damnit! My mother ruefully acknowledged that I am not a tree, I never was a tree, and she should have let me not sing that song if I didn’t want to. She also said that by the time my little sister came, she was so worn out from me that she let Blondie do whatever the hell she wanted. Perhaps this explains Blondie’s immediate ease with strangers and acting like a lunatic (I mean this in a good way), while it takes me awhile to warm up to things.

Blondie went through a phase in her teen years of imitating velociraptors. I spent my time creating imaginary worlds by writing and – I admit it – playing with Fisher Price little people. I always thought this was a charming indication of my creativity and imagination, but perhaps it is evidence of my broken spirit.

I AM NOT A TREE.

Bathtub fun. And advice needed.

The night before last I took a bath as I was quite achy. While lying in the tub, I glanced down at my stomach and suddenly felt a kick on the lower right side (think this is Torre!) and my whole stomach lurched to that side. I didn’t totally believe it, so kept watching. Saw teensy tiny movements from the outside, so yelled for TMD to come look.

Things calmed down, TMD left. I kept looking, and then started to put my hand on the right side where I was feeling kicks – and am pretty freaking sure I felt the baby from the outside! Screamed for TMD again. She ran into the bathroom, plunging her arm into the water to get a good angle on my tummy. Nothing. She prepared to leave, and I admonished her – ‘You would be shit at fishing, you know, it requires a lot of patience.’ So suddenly baby-hunting was referred to as ‘fishing.’

Well, the cycle repeated several times – me feeling/seeing movement and yelling for her, her coming in, things calming down. We even used a flashlight on my tummy, to which there were responses. She THINKS she felt a little something, but nothing 100% absolute. At one point I also felt a little something (a foot?) sort of pushing against my tummy and it was quite noticeable. How cool, eh!

Then yesterday I think I felt her (?) from the outside again. I can’t wait for it to be very strong and absolute, no questions asked – and for TMD to be able to feel it.

So: next topic.

Yesterday I felt something like trapped wind in my stomach during the day. Nothing terrible. I ate my four/five prunes (recommended by midwife as things are ‘slowing down’ for me in the poop department). Then it started getting worse when I changed position. My mind immediately turned to the fiber bars my mother has sent. She warned me to only eat half a bar to start with as I would be running to the bathroom a lot. There was also a little label on the bar saying they may cause gastrointestinal pain while the body adjusts to increased fiber intake.

I thought, what the hell. My stomach hurts, this is fiber – and SHIT it was tasty. Ate my half a bar and didn’t really think anything else of it.

Big mistake.

BIG mistake.

By bedtime, the pain in my lower left abdomen was so strong I was crying and moaning. It was relieved somewhat by sitting in my glider, so spent some time in there feeling better. When I got into bed, it was INTENSE. Pain was still concentrated in my lower left, under my bump, but also wrapped around to my back so my lower left back hurt as well. I was making horrid noises I’ve never heard a human make. I was letting out little pops of air – more wind than I’ve had in the last 23 weeks put together. Nothing helped. Got up to go to the bathroom and could barely walk as it hurt so bad when I moved my left leg. No poop.

On the way back, I got some wicked cramping/pain in my right hip (I am awesome, I know) and needed a crutch to get back to the glider. Ended up sleeping in the glider for about half the night – perhaps not great for the SPD, but an awesome relief for the gas pain. Eventually woke up and shifed into bed. Cue some long, drawn out farts. I felt a lot better – some pain still there, but only at the discomfort level. Fell asleep.

Woke up, more farts, pain still there but not too terrible. Cue big poop.

Now I’m lying on the couch (surprise, surprise) and things seem to be building up again. I am pretty confident it IS trapped wind and nothing scary, as last night I could feel air/things moving around. But at one point when I was on the toilet, I was shaking and crying and TMD wondered if we should go to the hospital.

So, past or current pregnant gals, is this wind pain? Did you get it? What helps? Would be good to know this is normal, as I suspect it’s perfectly fine. Of course I’ve done some googling and, as always, am mildly worried by some of the info I found. Advice needed!

One sentence I did read yesterday in a pregnancy book did say something like, ‘In late pregnancy, the size of the baby might push your internal organs out of place, causing mild wind pains.’ Mild my ass.

Edit: Pain/discomfort still there. Hurts more when I move aorund or change position. Still mostly lower left side, but also perhaps more central as well. Also have a very specific localised ache in my back, sort of where my left kidney would be. No pain when peeing – though pain from sitting on the toilet. It’s like when I had to poop and my ovaries were all big from IVF! Ouchie.

Reminder for me.

Last night in the bath Torre (I think) kicked so hard my whole bump lurched to one side!! Also felt (I think! heh) movement from the outside, with a bit more today.

Going to post about this tomorrow – don’t let me forget!

So very, very cool.

Am I really a conspiracy theorist?

Oh, for the love of god. I already knew I would have to send off my citizenship certificate to get a passport, but I didn’t realise I would also have to send off my existing passport. I am slightly worried this will invalidate my existing passport (for a different country) even though I already did the research and know it won’t. Still, I might doublecheck.

The real problem here? Sending off all my official identity documents. I mean, what the fuck. I know chances are I won’t need my passport or citizenship thingie for the next two months. The problem is that I simply don’t trust the government to return everything.

See, my last job required me to work with a lot of asylum seekers/refugees. And the sheer number of times their official documents got lost or fucked up is terrifying. I have to go for some interview, apparently, so I can’t even pay a premium to have a same day appointment where my documents are just checked and instantly returned. Yikes.

I may send TMD to work tomorrow with all my goods so she can make some nice photocopies. And then I’m going to try to trust in the country that I am now a citizen of, that they will process my application nice and quickly, and not lose the pieces of paper who allow me to prove who I am and where I am allowed to live.

You can only mute things after the damage has been done. Lesson one.

Put yourself in my place: you’ve got builders over who are installing a new patio door. You are a chicken and also the lounge is covered in man things, so you are hiding in the bedroom. (You had work calls to make, so feel justified in avoiding noise….less like you are a crazy person.) You are not really eating or peeing, and you are awaiting the moment these men leave with baited breath.

There is a lot of backward-and-forwarding going on in the hallway, as you sit in your nursing glider and wobble back and forth. You are essentially looking like a normal human being, but your back is starting to scream because you really ought to: 1) lie down 2) cook some food and then lie down again.

Killing time, you look at the websites that somehow magically lead back to your own, and you find this:

http://lovetherapy.it

Remember, you are trying to be nice and quiet. The volume on your computer is a normal level for listening to music or watching clips of lesbian talk show hosts. So, anyway. You click that link.

The front page comes up. Intriguing. Cute? What IS it?

You click ‘enter’ JUST as some guy is walking past your chair, in your quiet library of a house. Do it. Go to the link and enter the page – not just the main page, but make sure to click the little linksie at the bottom to actually enter the site. Feel the burn, baby.

No, I’m not a psychoanalyst. I’m warm and fuzzy.

Let’s be all psychoanalytical together, okay? Well, maybe not analytical. After all, when I talk about umbrellas I don’t want you assuming I’ve been raped by my father or anything like that. (Oh, ha ha, a joke possibly funny only to those in the profession? Or all? I don’t know.)

I had a stressful dream this morning. I was with a group of people – Green and three others I didn’t know – and we were travelling to Costa Rica. Everyone else got checked in just fine, but I somehow only got a ticket for halfway. It went to the layover spot, but then I didn’t have a boarding pass for the second half. This was a bit confusing as I had assumed it was a direct flight. I went from one airline staff person to another, getting increasingly distressed that no one seemed that bothered about the fact that I didn’t have a ticket to go the whole way.

Obviously this is about pregnancy, no? I’m 23 weeks today – that’s 15 weeks till Splash Down (as I’m due to deliver at 38 weeks). I’m embarking on the second half of pregnancy, and this week will be nice to complete, as babies are viable from 24 weeks. Clearly I’ve got some anxiety about the second half of pregnancy – and whether or not I’ll be able to make it the whole way.

Fine. I don’t need to re-enter therapy to figure that dream out.

But what about the one with the worms in it? Now that was a grade A champion gross out dream, and also very distressing. No doubt an analyst would have much to say about it.

Anyway.

A good day full of not so good things?!

I just interviewed a guy who was so negative it was like talking to Eeyore. Worse, it was like talking to a semi-retarded Eeyore. I know I am awful for thinking that about a real, live human being, but Jesus. I had to feed him answers because otherwise I might as well have phoned myself.

Tomorrow I’ve got three interviews lined up in very short succession. I did two today – very spread out – and it seemed to add some nice structure/diversion to my day. Tomorrow we’re also getting our brand new patio door. Goodbye mold, gross windows, etc. A new door is Step One in Our Grand Plan. Our Grand Plan is: new door, ceiling fixed (upstairs had a leak!), lounge and hall repainted, whole place recarpeted. In a nice, neutral colour – just in time for two babies to come and shit on it everywhere. Awesome!

In other news, my pee-pee is all messed up today. I left all these messages for people to call me back to set up interviews, and when the phone rings I have to get to it quick as the machine picks up after two rings. (Can’t leave it off the hook because it has a shit charge. Buying a phone is part of a plan, just not Our Grand Plan.) Anyway, the phone rang and I fucking lunged off the couch. It was like a move some flying acrobat would do….except it ended with me collapsing on the floor, screaming OH FUCK, before calmly picking up the phone and scheduling an interview.

I broke my pee-pee, dudes. Seriously. And my hips. I guess I will have to rule out pole dancing/belly dancing/etc as an extra money maker whilst I’m still pregnant.

Feel like we have loads of baby stuff now, even if I still don’t totally believe we’re going to have two babies soon.

Okay, trying to stay productive and happy this week so that I am not a mess of quivering lonely nerves by the end of it! Had a fantastic weekend.

Went to a big baby sale (at a national chain) on Saturday – had to use one of those big ass motorized wheelchair shopper things. The old guy who gave it to me warned me that other shoppers would think I was ‘invisible’ in it. I was like, ‘I’m in a frame of metal and plastic. They can ignore me at their peril.’ We also went out for lunch. I was in quite a bit of pain after all that, but it was totally worth it.

Yesterday TMD’s mum and step-dad came up to visit. They went with TMD to a nearly new baby sale (I wanted to go SO BAD but thought it was probably better to not!) and then, yes, lunch out. I relished getting out and about, particularly as there was sun and lots of flowers.

We got kickass baby stuff, most of it at HUGE discounts. Including the playmat courtesy of eBay on Friday, we got:

two playmats (different but both awesome)
nappy bin
bottles, etc
bottle steriliser
bouncer with enough snazzy shit on it we are calling it ‘Vegas’
unbearably awesome cot mobile
cat net
top n’ tail bowl
clothes
clothes
more clothes
baby bath box with toiletries (think Caboodles for baby. YOWsa)
cotton balls, nipple pads, maternity pads, bath sponges
a few awesome toys
a bunch of stuff I’m sure I forgot

TMD’s mum also brought over stuff to show us – baby sleeping bags, awesome cardigans, blankets, books, shawls. She is so gorgeous and is going to buy scratch mitts, bottle warmer, and car seats! Sil and Bil are buying our pram.

I’ve also been hunting for this foam twins nursing cushion I have heard Really Good Shit about. Finally someone put one on eBay – unfortunately, it’s in the country where I was born. The pillow is like a tenth of the price new, but the SHIPPING is outrageous. Still, with the conversion rate we’ll be paying about half the price of buying it new here, maybe a little less. The funny part? I logged into my resident online baby hangout, and some woman has messaged me to say she wants to sell her freakin’ pillow and she lives very nearby!

We’ll see if the eBay thing works out – if not, hopefully I can still snag this local cushion.

We have a few smaller things to get now, but the biggies remaining are two cot beds, wardrobe, changing station/storage unit. We have gone from zero to hero in about 48 hours.

I feel guilty about Torre. All the clothes people are buying are ‘little boy’ clothes, and I feel like Torre is getting ignored because we don’t know if she is really a she. And if she is a he, I still feel like these clothes were intended for Mano and Torre has been left out! I do hope we find out what little Torre is at the next scan.

Anyway, have a lot of stuff to do today (well, compared to doing nothing and watching Maury all day) so going to get started. It’s chilly and grey out, and the breezes through the open windows are decidedly nippy. It’s semi-nice, though. At least TMD is working a normal length day today, though after work she has to go to a town about a half hour away to pick up some more baby stuff we got from Freecycle.

I just feel sleepy and like I want to take a nap. Mmmm….cozy nap with a sheet or something. (I no longer need blankets, apparently.) Two nights ago I had a terrible miscarriage dream, and last night I had a premature baby dream – where we ended up with triplets instead of twins. All systems were go, despite having them early. I hope this trend of scary dreams ends soon, I’ll say that much.

Okay. Off to make phone calls.

I am alone all. the. time.

I’m feeling low this morning, and it’s still in the eight o’clock hour. Aussie was going to come and up turns out she can’t – for totally valid reasons – but I am so fucking gloomy. It’s all gorgeous outside and I’m lying here in my robe all teary.

TMD left before 8 o’clock this morning, and she won’t be home till about 8:30 pm tonight. That somehow feels really, really long.

*sigh*

You know all those past experiments when the baby monkeys weren’t given mummy love in real or stuffed toy form? That’s how I feel. So fucking lonely.

I have stuff I can do to help TMD with her work, and also ten phone interviews I’m supposed to be arranging. I don’t feel like calling any of the candidates because in the mood I’m in, I might start sobbing at any second.

Do you pity me?

‘Your urine is so clear – did you pour it from a bottle?’ -Second fave thing she said.

Had 22 week midwife appointment today (I’m 22 weeks 2 days, for those of you without a calender of my pregnancy hanging on your wall).

I asked about 6,432 questions. I think the favourite thing I said was, ‘My final two questions: orgasms and poop.’

My least favourite thing the midwife said was that orgasms are now verbodden on account of the whole twin thing. The best thing she said was, ‘OH, your partner is female. I don’t want to be offensive, but that might explain why you asked about orgasms. None of my patients with male partners seem interested in sex at all, or like they have orgasms.’ (How is this offensive to me? If anything, it’s offensive to kickin’ ladies with male partners who enjoy the lovvvvvvvvvemaking.)

So….lesbians have better sex. It’s official and branded so by Marie. (Pronounced ‘Mary.’) Bless her.

Let’s see, other stuff. She confirmed I can only go ahead with a vaginal delivery if both babies are headdown. Boo sucks. Also said I might not feel Torre as much as she suspects Mano is crowding Torre a bit. She couldn’t tell what their presentation was, but it was pretty funny feeling – I could feel the babies getting pushed around by her. She also measured my uterine height – first time that has happened.

Am I pregnant or WHAT. Tape measures on my tummy. Good times. I am measuring big (of course) but not as big as I suspected. The ol’ uterus is 25 cm. As per usual, Torre was nice and still for heart checking, but Mano was elusive. Perhaps this is linked to the amount of room they each have in the womb. Hopefully they will grow more or less evenly. I sometimes wonder if all this lying on my left side is affecting anything.

In other news, I spend all my time on eBay hitting refresh to see if I have been outbid on a Tiny Love playmat – the deluxe gymani lights & sound or something like that. We want this mofo, and I have lost about 4 auctions of it already. Cross your fingers for us/it/the babies!!

My camp-related job has offered me a bit of at home work, so at least it can fund some of these baby purchases. Like two cheap ones. Ha. We are getting to the point where we need to purchase expensive furniture and shit, and that makes it scary to make big decisions because it’s all much more bank-account-ruining and serious. Updates later.