As of today, I’ve been to:
Mexico – watched my father get my little sister drunk, snorkled a reef – sharks on the other side, secretly pleased when father accused by immigration staff of kidnapping my sister, had to pee really bad in the airport, had a lot of lime-flavoured stuff
America – participated in multiple roadtrips (alone and with others), got my picture taken with Jimminy Cricket, lusted after haunted houses, learned to tap dance
Scotland- camped on a mountain next to the ocean, discovered spinach goujons, went on many a ghost tour, was really cold, wanted to buy a certain church and live there, felt right at home, accidentally found Grangemouth, went down inside a mountain to visit a power plant
England – discovered that tides are not just a myth after all, felt non-mystical at Stonehenge, had some Real Good Times at various seasides, had a two week roadtrip with TMD, refused to eat cream
Canada – camped and camped and camped, had bears climb on our car, my sister almost got killed by a lantern melting her sleeping bag, Montreal almost caused my father to murder some French Canadian people
Belgium – had a midnight dance party on the side of a deserted road, had some coffee in a rest area, continued through to France
Wales – LOVED a certain forest (which TMD now informs me is not actually in Wales) and want to live in a treehouse there, freaked out at small roads, listened to an audio tour of a castle in Welsh
France- saw a lot of dog shit, went up the Eiffel Tower, rode le petit train, slept in the car, took covert videos of a friend ordering beer in French, inadvertently took my mother and sister to all sorts of shitty places, had an internal rage storm at TMD’s father, rode a ferry, stole a kite and flew it on the beach, was chased through the streets by a small Jewish man towing a suitcase on wheels
Sweden – got into a fight with Aussie via Crazy Bitch, froze, climbed trees, marvelled at the cleanliness of the airport, took lots of artsy pictures by the river, all three of us had our periods and diarrhea in the same toilet flush
Denmark – looked at a lot of cool things and did not buy anything because the purchase of one small McDonald’s fries wiped out my bank account, walked the longest pedestrian street in Europe, watched people ice skate, watched Crazy Bitch hold back Aussie’s hair as she puked off a pier
Ireland – wore a rain outfit from head to toe, TMD’s first experience of my mother’s public farting, hung out with my aunt’s old lady friend, went to the oldest pub in Ireland for dinner, watched people dance without using their upper bodies, touched Bear’s worry stone a lot
Northern Ireland – got into a raging fight the likes of which had not been seen since I was twenty, rolled down a hill, attracted the attention of men in boats, saw all the religious hate graffiti in Belfast
Italy – almost cried with joy when we found a falafel eatery, climbed a lot of stairs, hung out in parks and woods, tried to take a FORBIDDEN picture of David but was too chicken to do so, made out with TMD a lot, ate salsa and crackers more than I care to remember, am still pissed about the non-working giant hottub in the courtyard
Holland – got run over by a bike (luckily was so high I didn’t feel it), lived in a houseboat, went into Anne Frank’s hiding place, smoked a lot, went on a tour of the Heineken breweries (second time in my life I have been high and drunk, the first being after my senior prom) and had an impromptu dance party, tried to grocery shop and act like we were natives, almost got snowed in
All this from someone who did not get in her first airplane until she was seventeen. As I reread this little listie, one question reverberates in my mind: Why the fuck have I been to France so many times?
Tags: actualize, culture clash, father, flair, friends, fun, memory, mom, outdoors, sister, travel
