‘Beware the virgin slayer.’ Someone else’s line, but really appropriate for one of the lives I’ve led.

Big Brother is back. Yes, it’s Day 8 or 9 or…something…and I’m feelin’ fine. I’ve regressed back into thinking about this Big Brother idea I had.  For the purposes of this example, the show will revolve around me (!), but you can feel free to substitute yourself if you feel like it.

I think it would be mildly awesome (for no one but the stars of the show, and perhaps their jealous partners) to have one where you had …okay, picture a wheel. You’ve got the hub, and you’ve got spokes. If YOU/me/someone were the hub, all the spokes could be every relationship you’ve ever had. You get to make your own rules here. You could hire mysterious and sadistic producers to run the show and pick your co-stars - including bad break-up people, casual flings, one night stands, the guy you vomited on. Whatever your little producers want.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this, off and on. Usually when I am in the shower, which is when my greatest fake ongoing dramas happen. I have been on a deserted island for so long now that the native peoples have taught me their language – but sometimes I need a vacation away from paradise, so the Big Brother past relationships thing comes into play.

In this morning’s shower, I was actually in the mobile home thoughtfully provided by the producers, where I was isolated with my first real boyfriend. I cared less about him and our mobile home chats than about picturing his wife at home, watching. I know. Sick.

My house would unfortunately not be able to feature TMD, as she is the current relationship. However, I would bring a picture of her in and it would inspire profound levels of angst. All the boys (well, the straight ones, anyway) would wanna piece of that because boys do tend to think she’s a goddess, and all the girls, well…to be fair, there wouldn’t be many girls. And one of them was once friends with us both and she believes that TMD stole me away from her, so I doubt that girl would look too favourably on the picture.

Speaking of that girl (shall we call her Battery Acid, for reasons only a few people know…), a picture, myself, and TMD….

insert wavy memory lines here

The summer I ended the relationship with B.A. is the summer TMD and I got together. The two periods did not even come close to overlapping, and despite TMD’s fears that she was a rebound, I’m fairly certain you have to actually care about the person you are dumping in order to need a rebound. Anyway, the details are a bit hazy for me.

I just know I was living alone in the camp office, me and the camp ranger the only people in 450 acres of infected lakes, golf cart paths, and all sorts of things that go bump in the night. On weekends, we had staff come in to run programmes. I think B.A. came in to be staff, or no – to ‘visit.’ She wanted to see if I’d found in her flashlight, she said, but I knew this was code for ‘let’s talk about why you don’t love me.’ She unexpectedly came down to my little office house, and there was a big ass picture of TMD and I there. We were dressed as clowns from an activity earlier in the summer, and I’d just found a groovy clear glass frame with purple and blue stars painted on. Very upmarket circus, you see.

Anyway, B.A. pushed her way into my place, saw the picture, and said, ‘What a nice frame.’ I shit you not, I actually have this moment caught on audiotape because I was in the midst of creating a talk-letter for TMD (who by this time was in her country). B.A. proceeded to take the tape and record a very cheerful message for TMD.

Months later she sent her own tape to TMD. It had a very cool logo on the front that said, ‘I like vagina.’ This was clearly a heartrending thing, as she and TMD had found this bumper sticker on a car months earlier and had posed for extravagant pictures. The tape was niiiiice. About a third of the songs were like YOU STOLE MY GIRLFRIEND, MOTHERFUCKER.  Some more were whining about true love and forever. Still others were like, I don’t need you or her, because I’m a strong independant woman!

B.A. sent me two special treats when I was over here visiting TMD for the first time, but I think that’s for another entry. As is the time she came to my house without asking, and my VERY homophobic mother grabbed my arm and hissed, ‘What is SHE doing here. You better not do this to TMD.’ And the time she tried to offer me a four inch piece of rope to tie shut a truck.

I know I sound like a callous bitch, but really. Four inches?

So. B.A. would be in my house, for sure. She would possibly sleep with all my ex-boyfriends, because she is a Fearful Lesbian. We would need condoms. I might throw in Hockey Girl, just for some stalking and laughs. Boys would include Long Haired Nuclear Physicist, Chubby Boy With Curly Hair, and and Long Haired Nuclear Physicist’s ex-best friend. Yessir, I rack ‘em up.

We also cannot forget Accented Boy, who I actually really fucked up. I believe he is one of the reasons we joke about me being a virgin hunter.

Ah, curiousity whetted? Tell you later. I swear.

Tags: big brother, bisexual, boyfriends, camp, creativity, flair, fun, inspiration, lbgt, lesbian, memory, queer, sexual health, star status, virgin